Sunday, April 29, 2007

If Only I Could Turn Back That Clock...

In life, when you make a mistake you never seem to be given the chance to mend that hole that you made.. Or is it just fate that what belongs to you belongs to you.. neither can things be forced at all.. Maybe that's my punishment for now.. I'm just lost for words.. Should I simply keep my mouth shut or should I do something about it?? I really wonder.. But why why why?? Why always has it to be when something is nearly done, something else will pop out to hint to me that stops me from finishing up the task.. Sighz... but if it is really half done, shouldnt you just finish it?? I dunnoe and really wonder.. L-O-S-T is the word.. haiz.. you know what is the biggest problem of anyone?? - it is to say what you don't mean ie to hide your feelings that is "hard mouth, soft heart". oh well, but what can anyone do?? Is it due to face?? I dunnoe.. i really wonder.. all i noe is in life the hardest is to make any form of promises especially about the future. And that is simply the reason to all my problems right from the start. I hate breaking them espeically life long promises.. So only if I knew what is going to happen that'll be the best.. I could have made my decisions long ago and not drag it till today where everyone had to suffer.. and possibly regret.. Maybe I never learn from my mistakes.. It's always the same old story.. But if it's simply promises I can't keep, what is the point?? But too bad the clock cannot never be re-wound again.. and life goes on - happy or sad.. But given a chance I guess I would want to turn that clock and make that promise coz having lost everything makes one realise the importance of everything.. It's wierd.. maybe I din actually but i'm just making a mountain out of a molehill.. But simply cause I had a big reaction over what may be nothing (Never clarified really..) it simply shows how much that means to me i guess... that's my only conclusion.. But what can you say now except "if only..."

Saturday, April 28, 2007

MOM, I LOVE U!!!

this is so amazing.. I never told mom that I was upset or anything to that extend...just been smiling and being happy as how I usually have been.. yet I received an email from her which really helped me sit and reflect on the meanings of life.. Thanks mom from the bottom of my heart! I love you... Oh well i guess mom's the best always.. noone else prob knows you better than her.. I LOVE YOU MOM!! thankew so much.. that email was so touching.. a tear trickled down the side of my face and i so couldn't control it... thank goodness she did not see it... she'll prob wonder what is wrong... and nope not intending to say a word... hehe.. the last thing you ever wanna is to have her worry... really...but timing is so right.. Wonder whether it's called "bonding" between mom and daughter... she never needs to know your problems right in the face.. it's always in the heart.. deep down inside... thanks mom... no matter how much trouble i give you other times.. you'll always be my most beloved mother... now & forever...

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS!!

This Song Is So True...

张学友 - 心如刀割

我的天是灰色
我的心是蓝色
触摸着你的心
竟是透明的

你的悠然自得
我却束手无策
我的心痛竟是你的快乐

其实我不想对你恋恋不舍
但什么让我辗转反侧
不觉我说着说着天就亮了
我的唇角尝到一种苦涩

我是真的为你哭了
你是真的随他走了
就在这一刻
全世界伤心角色又多了我一个
我是真的为你爱了
你是真的跟他走了
能给的我全都给了我都舍得
除了让你知道我心如刀割

Friday, April 27, 2007

What's Happened to ME??

I don't believe this... I guess Feb-April EVERY SINGLE YR is my jinx time of the year.. i swear it is.. it is always my saddest moments. Even if i'm happy during that period just like today.. initially so many things made me happy but everything just suddenly crash in a second... I just dunnoe what to say nor what to do.. It came a point where i became lost of words.. It's like a rewinding one of my favourite drama serials.. where history just repeats itself. It comes a point again when you're upset and truly am.. and then u start living in denial.. and cheer yourself up.. thinking that everything will go your way.. and then you continue living in denial till someone reminds you that you're not facing up to reality... and then u wanna cry so badly.. but you just can't coz you have to once again put up a good front in front of your most beloved mother just simply coz you don't want her to worry day in day out for you... I dunnoe.. had a mini little party at my place today.. helped me take time off my mind.. but then it only helped for that few hours.. now i'm lost once again as the quiet time takes over... and I'm all alone with my mom in my room not knowing what I should do next... All my plans for the next few months now seems pointless... yet it's still part of the plan but simply because half of me is living in denial.. now the little happiness that was brought to me seemed so pointless... I really wonder why... I must thank those who were there for me today.. those who can truly tell my inner feelings despite great effort to cover it up... I dunno what to say.. except that I really wish him true happiness - right form the bottom of my heart... but besides that I dunnoe wat to say...I really dun.. i'm for such lost of words.. (very unusual for a talkative luo suo person like me) but oh well.. Somehow this feels way worse than last yr... I dunnoe why.. way way worse.. maybe coz all the plans painstakingly pre-planned have now be flooded... I dunnoe if it is good or bad.. but everytime something similar happens I get a route of escapism somewhere though the original plan for this escape (of what now seems to be an escape) had plans for a person that will never ever appreciate it anymore... isnt that so wierd?? Maybe life is that unpredictable...

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Will that Day of Enlightenment Ever Come??

Well, life is indeed an irony. Or rather life is not only beyond one's control, yet more than often we have to think about the bigger picture or the future before any decision is made. Certain decisions will definitley seem nasty and heartless or even very selfish. But before jumping to any conclusion, the best is to take a step back and think about the original intentions and reasons. This is beause in life there are many decisions or sacrifices in life made for a reason that we may or may never realise or appreciate its initial intentions. Sometimes in life we inevitably hurt others but have they realised that we hurt ourselves too? But it's all done for a course. And now on retrospect, some should have realised the initial intention or decision made a couple of months ago. But have they realised why? Or do they still hold on to the grudge of being hurt? No one will know the answer to the mystery as it is all the inner feelings of others. But if one day we realise the difficult and tormenting decision made right from the start, It'll be really good to appreciate the efforts and misery that one had to offer in silence originally. However, human nature is such that we never realised what has/had been done for us. Maybe one day in enlightenment you'll realise. But sadly humans often only see themselves as the main, sole object neglecting his/her surroundings. Even if that day of enlightenemnt does come, I sincerely pray that you'll remain happy always... :)

Sunday, April 15, 2007

To Be Sad Or Happy??

Have never been so happy for a very very long time since i stepped foot in Newcastle this year. It was a year of happiness and indeed times of sadness. Even today there were the experiences of both. Had a gathering with a couple of close friends and our parents who came to visit us. The chats and memories that we brought up were simply wonderful and this are the true friends whom I really appreciate. I hope that our friendship will blossom in the many years to come - even after all of us part our different ways upon graduation...

As much as I hold this dear jubilance close to my heart, I still linger in the words of gloominess. How amazing can things be in just a few months. You really wonder what the thoughts of others are. Furthermore, some words can simply be so piercing right down to the flesh of one's own heart. Yet, on the surface you have to remain strong and jovial so as not to give away the "story". I guess it's just the nature of some that they don't understand why certain decisions were made for their own good. And they probably never will. And in the end you are criticized for that decision which proved to be true but no one ever realised why such a harsh decision was made initially. I guess that's just life. As much as a decision is really hard to make, I truly pray that one day he'll understand that though it seemed to be a selfish reason, the true reason is him...

Whatever it may be, I sincerely pray that everyone around will always remain happy and that they may achieve greater heights in the years to come!

Monday, April 09, 2007

the end of the holidays...

oh man... this 1 week or 10 days was way way too short for so many things to happen... it's prob the only holiday i came back that I could not enjoy the local delights.. how sad... but too bad.... so bz.. and so tired... hahaha... i wanted to play.. yet I DON'T even have time to think abt play... dun even say time to study (but obviously.. not hahhaa.. COZ IT'S MY HOLIDAY!!! hahaha) but then.. i'm soon going to miss home and everyone else again... not looking forward to another 11 weeks of sch and exams.. but i guess it's the mid way mark... and at least the UK exchange is starting to fall into place.. which helps too another end pt somewhere... and by the time u adapt to a new env.. you have to come back...so the end of the tunnel will soon arrive... soon... soon... soon....

Thursday, April 05, 2007

A Real Memorable Trip Home

oh man... this trip is really exciting but so packed to the B-R-I-M!!! I don't even have time to breathe... as it is... before i touched down i knew that my schedule would be very very tight... yet as the days passed i realised that there are more and more things to be done that were not on the original itinery. Oh my... been so busy with just everything all in 1 WEEK!!! it's all really really exciting stuff..

Well... at least this trip back helped me relieve a heavy burden lodged in my chest for heaps long.. finally been able to let it go with clarification.. though i'm sad but i'm happy for the people around me... it's good i guess that you so busy sometimes that you never have time to even think of anything else except the work that lies ahead of you...

at least my exchange to Nottingham is finalised... now just awaiting all the remaining paperwork!!! hehee... looking forward to that too!!! and the elective placement seems to be going in the right track too.. so I guess this time back home pays off too!... enough said.. it'll be another long long day ahead..so it's prob time to recover from the day's activities...