What's Happened to ME??

I don't believe this... I guess Feb-April EVERY SINGLE YR is my jinx time of the year.. i swear it is.. it is always my saddest moments. Even if i'm happy during that period just like today.. initially so many things made me happy but everything just suddenly crash in a second... I just dunnoe what to say nor what to do.. It came a point where i became lost of words.. It's like a rewinding one of my favourite drama serials.. where history just repeats itself. It comes a point again when you're upset and truly am.. and then u start living in denial.. and cheer yourself up.. thinking that everything will go your way.. and then you continue living in denial till someone reminds you that you're not facing up to reality... and then u wanna cry so badly.. but you just can't coz you have to once again put up a good front in front of your most beloved mother just simply coz you don't want her to worry day in day out for you... I dunnoe.. had a mini little party at my place today.. helped me take time off my mind.. but then it only helped for that few hours.. now i'm lost once again as the quiet time takes over... and I'm all alone with my mom in my room not knowing what I should do next... All my plans for the next few months now seems pointless... yet it's still part of the plan but simply because half of me is living in denial.. now the little happiness that was brought to me seemed so pointless... I really wonder why... I must thank those who were there for me today.. those who can truly tell my inner feelings despite great effort to cover it up... I dunno what to say.. except that I really wish him true happiness - right form the bottom of my heart... but besides that I dunnoe wat to say...I really dun.. i'm for such lost of words.. (very unusual for a talkative luo suo person like me) but oh well.. Somehow this feels way worse than last yr... I dunnoe why.. way way worse.. maybe coz all the plans painstakingly pre-planned have now be flooded... I dunnoe if it is good or bad.. but everytime something similar happens I get a route of escapism somewhere though the original plan for this escape (of what now seems to be an escape) had plans for a person that will never ever appreciate it anymore... isnt that so wierd?? Maybe life is that unpredictable...