If Only I Knew....

The Crossroads

2009-10-24T12:48:00.004+11:00

hm... it's been a refreshing new life since my last blog. I haven't touched blogging for at least a yr - or more even. Good or bad? I really have no clue. All i know is that if a problem arises, escapism is not the answer. But on the other hand, there is no certainty in life. A decision may not be executed or the unexpected may pose an entirely new problem. Whatever it is, that is life.

A or B - I so wished it is that easy to choose. Sometimes, you wonder - is there something else holding you back from making a decision? Or maybe it's just denial. If the world did not have a multitude of greyness between black and white, I would not be caught in this wilderness.

Life changing decisions are not only an expected but a necessity at times. You can't always have the best of both worlds I guess. That's the irony of it all. Will you change your life if you're so enjoying it now? Or will you hang on to the dreams of the perfect mission impossible? Sometimes I really wonder where all these will lead to in this intersection of my life. I guess only time will tell....

Now you understand why the return of my silent blog is not a very good sign. It's once again an unresolvable problem/mystery of my life which for now still remains an enormous question mark....

a lengthened revisit..

2008-07-12T14:25:00.002+10:00

it's been ages since i last blogged. but i have been so busy, time seems to fly every minute, every second that it's just so unbelievable. 2 weeks already into my very final semester. it's so not funny as i feel that i'm so inadequate with the knowledge and skills. yet, after 4.5yrs of pracs and studying i just have had enough. don't really know what i want. but under all these stressers lie a warm and caring family that i'm read to return to after 5 yrs. maybe not immediately but definitely within the next 1.5 years. yeah, sometimes unfortunate incidents make one realise the more important aspects of life than just oneself. and that many a times a little stain for a full parcel is any time better than a missing piece of that parcel. misunderstandings are unavoidable in families but what's most important is tolerance. sometimes even voicing out one's opinions to others are better than keeping it within resulting in a deeper and deeper misunderstanding.

back for a night in the good old notts.

2007-12-13T08:09:00.000+11:00

hm... this weekend was such an awesome weekend.. though i prob put on an extra stone.. but it was GREAT.. food rather binging was just awesome around with friends of course.. :) it was like a food spree.. for once 4 gals down the mainstreets of a city NOT shopping for ONCE... BUT eating and drinking and drinking and eating.. whatever it is.. we had GREAT fun and at the christmas markets and the many cafes where we obviously made a din which definitely wasn't pleasant for the retirees who probably preferred some peace and tranquility..

everything except one was good... my phone!!! for some odd reason i have NO luck with phones this whole week... left my phone and charger in london.. couldnt get hold on anyone... thank goodness true friends existed.. but oh man.. you realise how dependent you are on phones.. how did we ever survive in the past man? it's just unbelievable.. hahaha... but yup in germany there was very BAD reception.. in uk.. i've no phone.. who would believe this.. hahaa.. but yeh.. it's not only the phone.. it's the pple i miss talking to without my phone :( sighzzzzz.... soonish hopefully i can talk again heehee

anyway.. enough crapping... for now i'm looking forward to mom and our little holiday together... and then it'll officially be the start of my FINAL year in medical school!!!! hahaha.. so can't wait.. :) although i'll prob miss notts... starting to feel the nostalgia that fills the air...

gd luck for tom!!!

2007-11-26T04:15:00.000+11:00

oh man... this is my WORSE exam ever.. haha i completely have no motivation to study at all!!! how bad is that... 2 weeks before exams i actually went on holiday away to spain!! hahaha... it was fun shopping at zara obviously... but not fun when u had to come back and stare at your books realising how much you just didn't know... it's hell when you wanna do everything else except study.. oh well.. i can't wait for these 11 days to be over and my 4th year barrier is OVER!!! arghzzz.. so can't wait can't wait... i just suddenly feel like going home and do nothing.. seriously just sit down at home and do nothing.. why? i have no idea.. it's prob a sign of aging i must say... hahaa...but then again i can't wait to see mom and my little bro in a couple of weeks!!! miss them so much..

anyways... newie pple, i know you'll all having exams in a couple of hours.. jia you ok?!?! i know you all can do it!!! gambate!!! and we're all nearly coming to the end of the race..luv u all...

exam fever...

2007-11-16T06:49:00.000+11:00

oh man.. exams are coming.. but this is so bad.. just so feel as if i'm still on a holiday... hahha.... well not becoz my beloved bro commented on my blog, i would have totally forgotten abt my blog.. haha.. only goes to show how much i'm loving this place or holiday rather.. haha... the holiday will stretch after exams!! yohoo!!! all planned.. hehe.. so miss home and so many people at home...luv you all.... surprisingly i actually miss newie too esp my wonderful friends there..

but i dun really wanna go back.. coz i'll have to go straight back to school... sighzz... hopefully it'll be a better year even... so enjoying myself now... prob one of the best periods ever.. wonder whether it is a new environment feeling making it feel like a holiday or simply that i really enjoy peads and O&G.. but they are cool rotations... my future aspirations.. hahaha...*cross fingers*.. though they prob wouldnt want me...

excited to go off to barcelona for the weekend.. hehehe... it's prob the first exams i seriously do NOT feel as if i'm having one.. sounds bad doesnt it... but i really really need to PASS!!! :( it's so horrid 4th yr.. u just dun wanna repeat it.. come on.. it's my FINAL FORMAL exam in 4th yr.. i better do it... and i must do it...

but then again i dun wanna work at all.. hehee... sch life is so fun... no responsibilities really and just take it day by day... except for exams obviously... but in less than a year (if everything goes well *touch wood*) we'll all have finished with medical school.. how scary is that...

Never Say Never

2007-08-02T06:40:00.000+10:00

oh man.. the word never is a curse.. hahhaa.. the more nevers u tink there will ever be... there will be more of it.. hahha.. oh well... i'm on exchange.. so enjoying myself.. but tiring as well.. sighzzz i need a break a true break from school!!! hahhaa.. exchange is definitely not a break.. not a break at all!!! hehee.. not for med school at least.. i have no holiday except one long weekend public holiday... hahhaa... and working every single day is indeed really really tiring... i'm nearly worn out.. how i wished 4th year is over and supposedly 5th yr with no exams will be a better yr.. but then again the grass is always greener on the other side so i'm not hoping for too much realli hehe.. except to pray that things will onli get better... but things are good from another perspective.. enjoying my time in the UK except the study bit obviously... hehe and my firm's really really nice that helps heaps i must say... travelling around is going to be cool!!! but do i have the time?? as it is i'm already so tired.. haha.. so we'll have to work that out a little.. hahaha... but make time i guess??? hahaa.. just worried about exams i guess coz it's kinda diff and being on exchange makes u lazy for some reason it makes u tink u're on a holiday.. haha.. am i??? hm.. maybe i've always been.. haha my consultant calls me a nomad having travelled equatorial to south to north just to study.. but it's fun!!! u get to meet pple... get to adapt to new cultures as well as to expose yaself to the most exotic things on earth.. oh well.. who cares as long as i'm enjoying myself hahahaha....

oh man.. i'm DAY DREAMING!!

2007-05-29T00:37:00.000+10:00

haha.. it's so good to have to day dream.. hm.. been quite sometime since i last blogged i tink.. not tt long.. but long enuf i guess hahaha.... was so stressed recently.. which is good i guess no time at all to tink of ANYTHING!!! hahaha.. which is SO GOOD!! and now that the long cases and VIVAs are over.. it's time for just simply the writtens - the worse part of the exams.. ahha... but oh well.. at least one part is done.. it's just the remainder.. hehe.. hopefully everything goes well and then i can head off to UK for the rest of this yr.. pretty exciting i must say.. exciting till the extent i CAN'T seem to study... haha.. planning my trips.... even weekend trips to nearby cities.. hehe... must make use of the time and try to see as much and experience as much!!! hahahaha..... but if you dun do it now.. when can u do it?? oh well... i guess that's so true hahaha.... but for now i guess i need that energy to finish my exams.. TRY to study and then i can GO GO GO GO HOME!!! and then GO GO GO GO GO GO travelling hahahaha.... so looking forward to that.. hehe...

1 Month LEFT!!!

2007-05-18T15:33:00.000+10:00

haha.... i guess it really helps to be able to let go of so many things in your life.... hehehe... i feel so much more relieved and happier now that i can simply sit down and do the things i wanna do and have to do.. i guess that's how life is.. there's ups and downs... but i'm glad that i've gotten over everything before my exams... Put your mind to it and u can do it... 1 mth to exams.. and that's way enough time so all's good... haha.. i'm really happy.. happy as can be... haha... so for the rest of this mth it'll be study study study... then home i go!!! hahaha... after which... i will have to struggle half a yr more with placements and stuff... and i'll so be done with this yr!!! am happy that i'll finally be into my final final year!!! hahaha... (obviously if all goes well) but oh well... it's something to look forward to for sure.. hahhaaa.. i so can't wait can't wait can't wait... hahaha....so for now it'll be exams.... hahaha.. and it definitley helps to study with a clear non-wonderous mind... ;)

Our Little Rewards...

2007-05-15T23:11:00.000+10:00

hm... maybe it's really time to heave a sigh of relief... nearly coming to the end of my term in Newie.. so looking forward to it.. been so tired of late... but now that i've been able to let go of things, everything seems more beautiful that before... It's always great to have wonderful friends by ya side in such times... and you really appreciate the effort of such friends and family of course... haha... Mother's day weekend was so hectic.. the "prob" of too many Godmas hahaha... but that's alright... they love me all which I greatly treasure this bond with them.. One may say that it's not special anymore?? But each one has a different love and bond I share with for many different events...

Anyway, it's really time to sit down and study for exams.. no more slacking which I have done for 3-4 weeks.. now is really the time to read as much as I can before the finals... and off to the UK I am for a completely new experience... I so can't wait for that to happen and to look forward to something more refreshing... Whatever happens in the future, I only know that I will always treasure the moments I shared with everyone impt in my life... and I guess that's the most essential reward we all get at then end of every small little journeys...

When You're Greatest Hit...

2007-05-01T23:28:00.000+10:00

In life, it's so easy to just simiply tell a person how much you love him/her.. but honestly the only time you really know what love is, is when you're hurt the greatest.. How ironic heh?? but life is such.. It's so wierd that it comes with so many sacrifices as well but at the end of the day all these sacrifices seem to be nothing as compared to the happiness you've achieved in the long run.. but when that stab stabs it stabs right through and seriously bleeds and bleeds and bleeds.. that is when you know.. u just noe.. u may have never known b4.. but it is only then that you'll ever realise the importance and the pain that it beholds.. in life, living your life for yourself vs living it for someone else dear to you is only separated by a very very thin line... one that may not even be visible... Whatever it is, the most impt is to remain happy - but that seems the hardest to achieve in times of struggles and difficulties...

If Only I Could Turn Back That Clock...

2007-04-29T11:30:00.000+10:00

In life, when you make a mistake you never seem to be given the chance to mend that hole that you made.. Or is it just fate that what belongs to you belongs to you.. neither can things be forced at all.. Maybe that's my punishment for now.. I'm just lost for words.. Should I simply keep my mouth shut or should I do something about it?? I really wonder.. But why why why?? Why always has it to be when something is nearly done, something else will pop out to hint to me that stops me from finishing up the task.. Sighz... but if it is really half done, shouldnt you just finish it?? I dunnoe and really wonder.. L-O-S-T is the word.. haiz.. you know what is the biggest problem of anyone?? - it is to say what you don't mean ie to hide your feelings that is "hard mouth, soft heart". oh well, but what can anyone do?? Is it due to face?? I dunnoe.. i really wonder.. all i noe is in life the hardest is to make any form of promises especially about the future. And that is simply the reason to all my problems right from the start. I hate breaking them espeically life long promises.. So only if I knew what is going to happen that'll be the best.. I could have made my decisions long ago and not drag it till today where everyone had to suffer.. and possibly regret.. Maybe I never learn from my mistakes.. It's always the same old story.. But if it's simply promises I can't keep, what is the point?? But too bad the clock cannot never be re-wound again.. and life goes on - happy or sad.. But given a chance I guess I would want to turn that clock and make that promise coz having lost everything makes one realise the importance of everything.. It's wierd.. maybe I din actually but i'm just making a mountain out of a molehill.. But simply cause I had a big reaction over what may be nothing (Never clarified really..) it simply shows how much that means to me i guess... that's my only conclusion.. But what can you say now except "if only..."

MOM, I LOVE U!!!

2007-04-28T11:14:00.000+10:00

this is so amazing.. I never told mom that I was upset or anything to that extend...just been smiling and being happy as how I usually have been.. yet I received an email from her which really helped me sit and reflect on the meanings of life.. Thanks mom from the bottom of my heart! I love you... Oh well i guess mom's the best always.. noone else prob knows you better than her.. I LOVE YOU MOM!! thankew so much.. that email was so touching.. a tear trickled down the side of my face and i so couldn't control it... thank goodness she did not see it... she'll prob wonder what is wrong... and nope not intending to say a word... hehe.. the last thing you ever wanna is to have her worry... really...but timing is so right.. Wonder whether it's called "bonding" between mom and daughter... she never needs to know your problems right in the face.. it's always in the heart.. deep down inside... thanks mom... no matter how much trouble i give you other times.. you'll always be my most beloved mother... now & forever...

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS!!

This Song Is So True...

2007-04-28T01:31:00.000+10:00

张学友 - 心如刀割

我的天是灰色
我的心是蓝色
触摸着你的心
竟是透明的

你的悠然自得
我却束手无策
我的心痛竟是你的快乐

其实我不想对你恋恋不舍
但什么让我辗转反侧
不觉我说着说着天就亮了
我的唇角尝到一种苦涩

我是真的为你哭了
你是真的随他走了
就在这一刻
全世界伤心角色又多了我一个
我是真的为你爱了
你是真的跟他走了
能给的我全都给了我都舍得
除了让你知道我心如刀割

What's Happened to ME??

2007-04-27T23:20:00.000+10:00

I don't believe this... I guess Feb-April EVERY SINGLE YR is my jinx time of the year.. i swear it is.. it is always my saddest moments. Even if i'm happy during that period just like today.. initially so many things made me happy but everything just suddenly crash in a second... I just dunnoe what to say nor what to do.. It came a point where i became lost of words.. It's like a rewinding one of my favourite drama serials.. where history just repeats itself. It comes a point again when you're upset and truly am.. and then u start living in denial.. and cheer yourself up.. thinking that everything will go your way.. and then you continue living in denial till someone reminds you that you're not facing up to reality... and then u wanna cry so badly.. but you just can't coz you have to once again put up a good front in front of your most beloved mother just simply coz you don't want her to worry day in day out for you... I dunnoe.. had a mini little party at my place today.. helped me take time off my mind.. but then it only helped for that few hours.. now i'm lost once again as the quiet time takes over... and I'm all alone with my mom in my room not knowing what I should do next... All my plans for the next few months now seems pointless... yet it's still part of the plan but simply because half of me is living in denial.. now the little happiness that was brought to me seemed so pointless... I really wonder why... I must thank those who were there for me today.. those who can truly tell my inner feelings despite great effort to cover it up... I dunno what to say.. except that I really wish him true happiness - right form the bottom of my heart... but besides that I dunnoe wat to say...I really dun.. i'm for such lost of words.. (very unusual for a talkative luo suo person like me) but oh well.. Somehow this feels way worse than last yr... I dunnoe why.. way way worse.. maybe coz all the plans painstakingly pre-planned have now be flooded... I dunnoe if it is good or bad.. but everytime something similar happens I get a route of escapism somewhere though the original plan for this escape (of what now seems to be an escape) had plans for a person that will never ever appreciate it anymore... isnt that so wierd?? Maybe life is that unpredictable...

Will that Day of Enlightenment Ever Come??

2007-04-21T00:03:00.000+10:00

Well, life is indeed an irony. Or rather life is not only beyond one's control, yet more than often we have to think about the bigger picture or the future before any decision is made. Certain decisions will definitley seem nasty and heartless or even very selfish. But before jumping to any conclusion, the best is to take a step back and think about the original intentions and reasons. This is beause in life there are many decisions or sacrifices in life made for a reason that we may or may never realise or appreciate its initial intentions. Sometimes in life we inevitably hurt others but have they realised that we hurt ourselves too? But it's all done for a course. And now on retrospect, some should have realised the initial intention or decision made a couple of months ago. But have they realised why? Or do they still hold on to the grudge of being hurt? No one will know the answer to the mystery as it is all the inner feelings of others. But if one day we realise the difficult and tormenting decision made right from the start, It'll be really good to appreciate the efforts and misery that one had to offer in silence originally. However, human nature is such that we never realised what has/had been done for us. Maybe one day in enlightenment you'll realise. But sadly humans often only see themselves as the main, sole object neglecting his/her surroundings. Even if that day of enlightenemnt does come, I sincerely pray that you'll remain happy always... :)

To Be Sad Or Happy??

2007-04-15T04:14:00.000+10:00

Have never been so happy for a very very long time since i stepped foot in Newcastle this year. It was a year of happiness and indeed times of sadness. Even today there were the experiences of both. Had a gathering with a couple of close friends and our parents who came to visit us. The chats and memories that we brought up were simply wonderful and this are the true friends whom I really appreciate. I hope that our friendship will blossom in the many years to come - even after all of us part our different ways upon graduation...

As much as I hold this dear jubilance close to my heart, I still linger in the words of gloominess. How amazing can things be in just a few months. You really wonder what the thoughts of others are. Furthermore, some words can simply be so piercing right down to the flesh of one's own heart. Yet, on the surface you have to remain strong and jovial so as not to give away the "story". I guess it's just the nature of some that they don't understand why certain decisions were made for their own good. And they probably never will. And in the end you are criticized for that decision which proved to be true but no one ever realised why such a harsh decision was made initially. I guess that's just life. As much as a decision is really hard to make, I truly pray that one day he'll understand that though it seemed to be a selfish reason, the true reason is him...

Whatever it may be, I sincerely pray that everyone around will always remain happy and that they may achieve greater heights in the years to come!

the end of the holidays...

2007-04-09T12:24:00.000+10:00

oh man... this 1 week or 10 days was way way too short for so many things to happen... it's prob the only holiday i came back that I could not enjoy the local delights.. how sad... but too bad.... so bz.. and so tired... hahaha... i wanted to play.. yet I DON'T even have time to think abt play... dun even say time to study (but obviously.. not hahhaa.. COZ IT'S MY HOLIDAY!!! hahaha) but then.. i'm soon going to miss home and everyone else again... not looking forward to another 11 weeks of sch and exams.. but i guess it's the mid way mark... and at least the UK exchange is starting to fall into place.. which helps too another end pt somewhere... and by the time u adapt to a new env.. you have to come back...so the end of the tunnel will soon arrive... soon... soon... soon....

A Real Memorable Trip Home

2007-04-05T02:09:00.000+10:00

oh man... this trip is really exciting but so packed to the B-R-I-M!!! I don't even have time to breathe... as it is... before i touched down i knew that my schedule would be very very tight... yet as the days passed i realised that there are more and more things to be done that were not on the original itinery. Oh my... been so busy with just everything all in 1 WEEK!!! it's all really really exciting stuff..

Well... at least this trip back helped me relieve a heavy burden lodged in my chest for heaps long.. finally been able to let it go with clarification.. though i'm sad but i'm happy for the people around me... it's good i guess that you so busy sometimes that you never have time to even think of anything else except the work that lies ahead of you...

at least my exchange to Nottingham is finalised... now just awaiting all the remaining paperwork!!! hehee... looking forward to that too!!! and the elective placement seems to be going in the right track too.. so I guess this time back home pays off too!... enough said.. it'll be another long long day ahead..so it's prob time to recover from the day's activities...

Day-Dreaming!

2007-03-21T11:51:00.000+11:00

hm... it's only a few days and soon i'll be home!! just a couple of days more to end of this rotation and then i'll be done!!! so happy... but only after i finish my exams in a week plus I guess... haha.. but oh well once you reach a pt that you're just over everything who cares rite?? that's me now!! haha...

I've been just day-dreaming since monday abt how good it'll feel when everything's over!! haha...it's bad but who cares as long as this rotation is over.. it's all good!!! haha.. back to my daydreaming..hahaha

Would You Just Tell Me???

2007-03-17T21:03:00.000+11:00

oh well.. dunno what came into me today... have been pretty happy though i'm afraid I may simply fail my exams.. but something else is so bothering me.. i just dun understand why.. it's just so wierd.. is timing in life really that impt? sighzz... or sometimes are we just simply too greedy to even realise that certain things in life are impt yet we hope for more.. i dunnoe... i feel this sense of lost in the wilderness not knowing what to do or how to approach this thing at all.. should i go against my beliefs or should I just stick to what I strongly wanna adhere to and have failed in before... I don't know at all.. things have changed and so have i... but why so i have simply no idea.. if only you could tell me.. I'm so waiting for you to tell me the ans.. for you to tell me what is wrong.. but will you???

Don't Think Too Much??

2007-03-15T21:55:00.000+11:00

hm... 15 days more and exams will be over.. in 8 days i would be done with daily rounds to hospitals and stuff... how cool is that?? Survived 7 weeks in total already and soon i'll be home which would be exciting... coz so many things would be happening... today i did something i never thought i'll ever do.. yet i still did it.. rather it was yest.. but who cares..1 day does it make a diff? however, sometimes u wonder whether you're just too quick in ya actions.. may have held back certain things had i known... received something at nite which made me ponder whether it was indeed the right move?? hm... it's not a matter of confidence and certainty sometimes.. i guess it's more of propriety?? but in life if we think too much of what is correct or rather what should be done, would that make life really monotonous and stagnant? Who knows?? I guess as long as you make someone who means alot to you happy you'll end up being happy... so i guess the moral of the story - DONT THINK TOO MUCH!! haha

Do You Have The Answer???

2007-03-13T22:18:00.000+11:00

hm... it really seems like things have changed... it never was like that... or is it pple's nature?? oh well... one may say things have never changed... but things can be seen from the effort put in by each individual.. Oh well you never know.. Trust?? But if nothing's said.. what trust is there again?? You can't always base something on an imaginary feeling and thought..

Oh well.. is it wrong to test the depth of something dear to you? Or is it worth plunging into it straight away and finding out the ugly side of things.. but if u plunge then u may not realise that ugly side yeah?? but if u wait things on the other hand may change and result in things you wished did not happen.. And then when you try to pin-point it at something u just can't.. maybe partly u cant bear to.. And then when is it time to let go?? you ask yourself??? But you'll never know.. if it's still pleasant though it was more in the past.. would you hold on to the past?? or would you move on with life and accept the present??

Is insecurity not a form of trust then? Who knows? it's different...it just is.. it's not within terms of explanation but what can you do?? Is everything a subtle indication then?? Or has it failed the test?? Or can one simply just feel over-sensitive over nothing?? I dunno... and maybe hopefully i'll find out soon... Sometimes u wonder whether certain statements are hints that you just din get or you simply chose to ignore.. and now the actions seem to fit those words and hence you take them so negatively.. so is it really true? I guess only time will tell....

But I guess there comes a time you'll be too tired to guess or to think for that matter.. u jsut wanna noe wat has happened?? or rather you just wanna noe what will happen....

Why Am I So Exhausted!?!?!?!?!

2007-03-12T22:39:00.000+11:00

oh man.. why am i so tired.. i seriously dun understand... haha .. someone tell me.. i'm so exhausted and it's just amazing how much energy i have left!!! oh well.. maybe i'm just doing too much... over stretching myself... sighzzz too bad... it's time now to HANG ON!!! haha.. nearly to the end... so just hafta hang in there and hopefully things will be much better after this....i have seriously NEVER been this tired.. i'm so JUST OVER IT!!! hahaa... I NEED THAT BREAK URGENTLY!! haha... can feel my body just about to break down already!!! haha...

God Will Always Answer Your Prayers!

2007-03-10T15:27:00.000+11:00

a De Ja Vu...

2007-03-06T13:02:00.000+11:00

hm.. it really seems like history is repeating itself... everything that happened one yr ago.. to be exact one yr minus one mth ago.. seems to be repeating the story all over again.. it's so wierd... i guess i have the answer then if it seems the same.. i dunnoe.. i guess the most impt now is to just conc on what I have to conc on the most.. and besides that... just go with the flow.. i dunnoe.. maybe i'm sure tired.. but who noes.. oh well..

You Indeed Have GREAT Power...

2007-03-04T19:09:00.000+11:00

haha.. some pple really indeed know how to give me the creeps... hahaa... thank gdness it's long over.... haha indeed it's not ez to make me feel so agitated abt someone.. someone really powerful (sense the sarcasm there??) has indeed succeeded.. feel so stupid only having found out like 1 over year later... haha.. feel like a total fool!!! but too bad... only after finding out.. i feel insulted and horrid.. you are indeed the best.. muahahhaa...

oh well at least i can still laugh abt it.. but it's the actions of someone that make one completely have a sense of contempt and disbelief.. the things pple can do.. oh well not tt i'm perfect or anything.. but for gdness sakes.. I think pple should know some basic respect!!! hahahaha... oh well i'm not mad i guess.. since i can still laugh abt it.. but it just disgusts you what some ppl can do.. but then again.. it's better to have found out earlier than later!! hahaa...

Sighzzzz...

2007-03-01T19:56:00.000+11:00

So so so so so tired... is it just surgery... hm.. I have seriously no idea... kinda tired just wanna finish and go home asap.. haha.. looking forward to the easter break and how i can simply sit and relax a little haha.. though i guess a minimal amt of studying needs to be done for sure... haha.. but for now.. nope! haha... can't believe 5 weeks have simply just passed like tt... it's amazingly fast... soon surgery will be over and it'll be medicine.. another hell one haha... but then again this yr is the true true hell yr apparently.. That's what everyone says (even docs say it themselves haha)... coz 4th yr is simply the worse yr of all.. haha.... i guess all u can do is hang on in times of desparation.. oh well it's not tt bad.. i'm enjoying it besides the exams i guess hahaha... stressful exams which everyone hates hates hates.. haha...

hm...

2007-02-22T21:52:00.000+11:00

hm... happy that my bro is here to visit me!!! so happy!!! haha... oh well.. he's a champ waited the whole day for me today and will prob do likewise tom when i'm in school.. haha...

anyway... life is a real mystery. things always seem to be fine when left unsaid.... and once things are said or done they all seem to change 360 degrees.. so wierd but wat can one say... sighzzz.. or can one just thinking too much?? but seriously if things weren't like that a week ago and suddenly over less than 24 hrs everything seems so different, what does that imply?? Does that mean that that was the answer you were waiting for?? But otherwise?? Who knows?? cause it simply can be anything.. but that's life it always makes a fool out of u.. sighzzz

Tired.. Really Tired...

2007-02-20T19:02:00.000+11:00

Was On Call last nite. Wonder whether it was good or bad that that was simply no case yest.. so i just wasted the whole nite strolling up and down the corridor coz the lib was locked by 8. how boring.. it was the 2nd day of CNY and yest i was stuck there.. sad rite? but too bad.. kinda getting really worried abt exams... i just dun wanna fail.. i realli dun.. but wat can i do.. sighzzz.. someone tell me!!! i wish i had the energy to study in the first place.. sadly i dun..haizzz... i'm just so tired.. i dun even noe why..haizzz maybe it's jsut everything that has been happening.. but hopefully things will be better.. hehe.. i dunnoe as much as i wished things havent changed.. it just seems to have.. maybe that's the true facts of life.. things change according to circumstances.. but u wont noe i guess.. hehee... so will jsut have to wait and see.. how i so wanna this yr to pass asap.. away from all this stress.. muahahahhaa

You Just Know...

2007-02-18T13:31:00.000+11:00

hm... last nite was a really interesting nite/midnite/morning/cny eve... maybe i think too much... but i guess you can really see the difference.. so many things happened within that 24hrs that made me really reflect on alot of life experiences and stuff.. but now after all that has happened I've understood heaps of stuff.. In that one day or 12 hrs for that matter.. I experienced joy, sadness, hope, disappointment, agitation, love, jealousy and many more diff forms of feelings together with the many people around me... It really amazes you how many different feelings can be thrown at you in one day.. but that is life I guess... but it is thru these life experiences that make you grow up and see what is truly yours and not yours.. wat is a facade vs wat is real.. wat are the priceless vs the worthless etc etc etc... but now i noe.. and now i understand.. at the end of the day when you're upset it is you who is affected not others.. and hence wat is worth the while and wat is not?? Only time will tell....

It's Truly the COMPANY Not ANYTHING Else

2007-02-18T10:02:00.000+11:00

Our Little Chinese New Year Reunion Dinner (Sadly Some Had On-Calls/Midnight Shifts.. We Miss You Though)

Yest was indeed a better night than I could expect! Truly alot of things happened last night. But i guess the most impt of all is the company and not the place! So enjoyed myself thanks to some of my WONDERFUL friends in newie.. They are truly the best... Obviously there are the back stabbing pple as always.. but as long as your conscience is clear who cares abt the politics am I right?? there's always the pple that hate you and the ppl that love you.. but most impt is love yourself. Our little reunion dinner and coffee yest was heaps good. Better than I could have ever expected... Though I miss everyone at home.. I LOVE YOU ALL BACK HOME...!!! HAPPY NEW YR!!!

And to my dearest friend who went thru an "ordeal" yest - dun think so much abt it ok? I'm sure you'll get through things stronger. And think abt it!!! You're only going to see pple better so now you noe.. dun get hurt!!! hehehe.. whatever it is.. i'm always here for you.. and thanks for being with me yest when I needed you guys too. Really appreciate every little bit of you guys..

If It Has to HAPPEN... It Has to HAPPEN...

2007-02-17T17:06:00.000+11:00

oh well... who can guarantee anything in life huh? if things have to happen they have to happen.. we just can't control anything I guess... that's life.. but oh well.. I know alot of things are not easy but I guess it's most important to take things in your stride and work towards other important things in life... Time will heal everything.. and I just hope that things will only get better and not worse for anyone. It's going to be the start of the new yr tom so everything can be started afresh tom!

HAPPY NEW YR EVERYONE!

AWESOME!!!

2007-02-17T10:59:00.000+11:00

oh man.. yest nite made my day... was so happy!!! thanks to those pple who have always been there for me during these yrs in aus!! I LOVE U GUYS!!! HUGZ!!!

Thanks

2007-02-15T18:39:00.000+11:00

hm... many thanks to my wonderful friends who remembered this day... though i myself nearly forgot hahaha... really appreciate it... you prob wont understand how a few words mean to me.. but they really do.. thanks heaps.. miss you all!...;)

was even happier yest when i received something that is priceless in both sense of the words... it is ex.. but you really cant use $$ to buy it at all really.. thanks... was really really touched.. something i would never have guessed... nor expected ever... really appreciate it.. and i dunnoe wat else to say.. but i'm really happy thanks!

and thanks to all these people that have totally MADE MY DAY ALL THE TIMES OF GOOD AND BAD! Love you all!!! ;)

Disappointing...

2007-02-08T21:08:00.000+11:00

haizz... sch work... totally think i'm gonna fail..sighzzz....die la... wat am i going to do?? stressed la... 2 weeks over already... that's really fast man..sighzzz.. long case in 6..oh well... better buck up my socks man.. haha

oh well... i dunnoe la... what's wrong with my life... i feel so superly upset and disappointed... i dunno... i thot i received what i wanted and for a while i was sure... but now.. oh well... never mind...just feel that the world is playing a trick on me... This feeling of uncertainty is indeed horrible... but what can i do?? if that's what makes one happy then what can i say?? nothing i guess.. but that's life..sighzzz.. or maybe it's retribution... sighzzz

Am So Tired...

2007-02-07T21:48:00.000+11:00

haha one whole day in that operating theatre is indeed so tiring. I seriously don't understand how surgeons can stand the whole day yet still go on through the night and then through the next day because they had an emergency that night and can't even catch a wink. So here they start their few-day cycle without sleep. Amazing but oh well.. It really makes me wonder whether they are younger or I am younger? haha.. But really doctors do run really fast in the hospitals. Are we students that unfit or old?... haha...

Anyway.... it's good that things have started to be better today. At least that eases my tiredness and I don't feel so lethargic like I did the last few days... Pretty happy about how things are going and i guess sometimes misunderstandings do happen and assumptions are often no good.... Time is required in everything that we do... and I'm sure that time can tell.... But then again how long can a person wait?? one day?? for sure... one month?? maybe... half a year?? getting a bit risky... One year?? Maybe that calls for a big QUESTION MARK?!?!? haha... but then again no point saying and saying and saying when nothing is done physically. Agreed?

Oh well.. enough said... since I'm happy now there isn't much for me to say except to have an early night cause i'll be on call tom nite and do some study... oh well just pray that I get through 4th year asap... haha... oh well... but time really flies this yr i must admit..haha 1.5 weeks has passed though it seems like yest... and there's only 6 weeks to exams.. isnt that fast?? oh well... so much for my procrastination.. my books are finally calling...haha

If It's Time It's Time...

2007-02-06T21:38:00.000+11:00

i feel so lost... the sense of belonging is gone.. am i thinking too much though? Life is wierd isnt it. We never learn to appreciate things till it is too late. Did something today. Did half only though.. kept the other half for certain reasons.. but dunnoe if it was stupid or not in the end. oh well looks like i'm going to have to go through once again the ordeal last yr... but who seriously understands?? Oh well.. when u create a mess clean it up i guess... no one else to blame except yaself! haha.. but easier said then done heh.. oh well life such... it makes a fool out of us ALL THE TIME!! sighzzz

Feb/Mar is NEVER a Good Time

2007-02-05T20:00:00.000+11:00

Oh well... I so feel like crying after that one call. How I wished I could just hide in one corner and cry. I tried to drown myself in work as I promised earlier so that I'll think of nothing. But sigh... It din work out. Opened my book and I could not even digest the first sentence after reading it 3 times. How pathetic have I become?? I don't know how to face everything and everyone!!! Why do such stuff have to always happen in feb/mar of the year. It's such a horrible time. I dunnoe what to say now except a word of sorry. Oh well... I just had the feeling of having to want to cry but you just can't cause your mom is around. And why does this time of the year always seem like that?? Can someone tell me?? Oh well... Maybe I should really fly to melbourne for my Chinese New Yr Weekend and things would turn out to be better like last yr when I went over after all that shit! Please Lord.. Tell me what I should DO!?!?!?!?

Back to REALITY???

2007-02-05T18:18:00.000+11:00

hm... it's been ages since I last blogged I think. Everyone has been asking me but I guess I never had the time. Was so busy back home in Singapore and it just seemed that I never had the time to possibly spend a bit time to even blog. Catching up with friends and family was indeed good. However, this holiday back home shocked me with something really interesting. It was a happy time back yet one that brought up alot of issues. I had to deal with it today AGAIN!! Guess life is not fair. It never is the way you want it to be. I wish someone also had the answer for me. I guess all I can do now is pray and pray and pray and hopefully one day the answer will be right there for me. I'm really confused but is it really true that what goes around comes around? I never believed that I'll have to face it one day and looks like I'm really really really wrong. It happened before but at the end of the day I knew exactly what I wanted but this time I really don't. Actually I know what I want this time too but it's all out of my control. Why has it always been? I really don't understand either. Is this considered a test or just the end to the 1st chapter only? I was happy for the last 3 weeks or so. But every beginning has to have an ending I guess. And it's deciding the endings in life that is indeed torturing. What will you do? Oh well, it seems so easy to just advise some good friend of yours going through the same situation but when it comes to yourself you're just put in a spot. But it's just so wierd - after all that has happened I have never thought about myself really except as to what I should do but more about everyone else. Sighz....

I really don't know. I just feel so horrible now that I honestly wished I never asked and would never want to know. But i guess there'll come a day that I had to figure things out and it would be best to work it now then to have to drag things??? Oh well, I just hope that I can drown myself in my work and forget about everything right now. Studies is indeed the most important of all now I guess. And yes, I am really really up to my neck with schools and postings. Surgical posting is indeed so demanding but it's really fun I guess and so time passes really quickly. 1 week and it seemed like forever. Initially when the 1 week passed I was very very very excited and happy that something will pop up in my life soon but after today I'm pretty sure there's nothing much that I can look forward to or that I want to look forward to for that matter. Oh well take each day that comes along I guess...

It seems that life has either been busy or good hence I havent blogged for ages. And it's pretty obvious that things are not as good and hence back to my routine!! hehe... But whatever it is, that's LIFE! It has its ups and downs I guess.

Study BREAK!!!

2006-10-28T13:54:00.000+10:00

whoa.. this is one exam i would never ever wanna retake!!! it's HORRID!!! sighzzz....but then again who ever wanna retake exams right?? oh well.. gotta go back to study again soon sadly so behind my schedule as it is.. but since when can anyone ever finish studying? there always seems to be more and more as ya explore further. haizzz... what is enough then?? someone tell this poor brain of me which is prob abt to explore hahaha

oh well... today's preetty interesting.. 4 birthday parties..hm 2 here 2 down in sydney.... dunnoe how i can do tt tonight.. but i guess i will try somehow.. back to sydney again...hehe just for the night maybe just to celebrate 2 great pal's bday... :) Be honored my friends!! anyway HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

28 days to HOME!!!

2006-10-27T14:13:00.000+10:00

haha... been ages since i blogged... but i've surprisingly finished working problem for tute for ONCE!!! yohoo!! really proud o myself but it's all good. I'm happy that's most impt hahaha.. Can't wait to go home. 28 days and i'm home.. yes exactly 4 weeks how exciting!!! hehee... and then 3 weeks back home and off to hk again!!! haha..wondering why hk? I dunnoe... but that's life if you're happy that's all that matters

esp these last few days so many things have been happening. the past was brought back all over again.. Pretty sucki.. but most impt thing is i think i grew up again. Guess tt's life you're hit with something and you're force to grow up haha. i guess wat someone told me was true - live for yourself only then can you live for others (not vice versa)... hence i've made so many changes/decisions in my life that I prob may not had have the courage to in the past. and though i don't say it, i appreciate all those who stood by me once again!! hehehe thanks all!!!

41 days to E-X-A-M-S!!! 46 days to H-O-M-E!!!

2006-10-10T20:50:00.000+10:00

41 days to exams!!! Stress...Stress....Stress!!!!! HOW HOW HOW!???! I really ask myself. It is so time just to sit there and pia all the way for exams. I had enough fun and laughter for the last few mths it's really time for some serious work I say. No more playing. It'll prob be one of the hardest exams. It's prob the only term with everything that can be tested!!! How scary?? But oh well... as long as I pull through this, I can then look forward to going home to my beloved family and friends. Miss everyone of you!!! 46 days and HOME I COME!!!!

A Fairytale Wish...

2006-09-27T23:09:00.000+10:00

Exams are round the corner, but yet this very year, there's one more challenge I will have to face. But somehow this challenge seems to already prove its results. Sometimes you never understand why one's so stubborn. You see the end result, in fact you know the end result. Yet, you still wanna put foot to change this. Why are human so adamant? Must we really be faced with the unpleasant results before we face reality? I really don't understand.

Sometimes you wonder. If you try yet you fail, is it your fault really? I don't know. I guess today I'm just so full of sentiments after watching the interview with Terry Irwin on TV. It as touching, it was like a fairytale. How nice if we could all just live in this fairytale. :)

But someone told me that if you're happy that's all that matters. Well, maybe I was and now I'm not anymore. I dunno - but I still Wonder...

No More Running Away...

2006-09-18T23:52:00.000+10:00

hm... Have had many months or rather 2 months of great fun. But I know it's all coming to an end now. No more denial no more escape. It's time to face the real issue at hand. But what can I do? Nothing. Why can't one be in control of their own life? It's so unfair. But that's life. Hehe. We've just gotta face I suppose. Maybe another some time away in the UK for exchange next yr would do me good. Just like my little time in Lismore. Sometimes away from everything would be ideal. No more frustrations, no more responsibilities and no more baggage. Maybe that's the best way to live. At present moment I've just given up. Everything always ends up the opposite way it should be or rather different from what I wanna it to be. I'm tired. I give up.

Acceptance is Simple But Denial is the Root of All Evil...

2006-09-05T22:44:00.000+10:00

I never understand why I always leave myself in the same old predicament. Something is seriously wrong with my life. I always end up having to solve the unsolvable mystery. Maybe it's not meant to be solved at all. That's why life is a mystery. Why does my happiness always have to be taken away from me one day?? I never understand. Is this life?? You really wonder. But what can you do?? Acceptance is easy but denial is the root of all evil. Maybe I seriously never ever learn from my mistaken. Do it once, do it twice, do it thrice and the story goes on... But the question being - Do I seriously ever learn my lesson? I guess not? Cause ultimately, it is always the same issue that makes me ponder and wonder what the next step should be. Sometimes all I wished was that "if only i knew"...

The Mystery Continues....

2006-08-28T14:32:00.000+10:00

Life is so mysterious. It's really something you can't feel nor touch. It's so unpredictable that each move/step you take may easily change the future. Hence, each decision in life is so intricate that one should try to minimize any impulsive decisions. Sometimes time to cool down and reflect is indeed very essential and critical to many situataions that one faces. But avoidance in general is definitely not going to solve anything. Face it, but do it with pride and dignity.

So what can you do, except to enjoy this mystery... :)

10 MORE Days!!!

2006-08-21T14:29:00.000+10:00

oh well... there's 10 more days (doubt many pple noe wat i'm referring to but it's totally cool with me...hehe) and hopefully I can maintain my sanity during this period (so if i become really dao during this period pardon me hahaha)... But sometimes u really wonder what pple are trying to do?? haha.. I'm totally calm now.. But why try to justify ya mistakes is something I dun understand why pple keep trying to do? Before you have the right to pin-point others critic yourself yeah?? hehe.. oh well... as human, we should look ourselves first really. And there's no point of justifying what you've been doing really. Even if one person can't see, others can yeah?? Stop playing mind games with me, cause it's of no use now. As per my previous entries, I can see for myself who's good to me and who's not. Trust me.. I know..

well, 10 days.. shall keep my sanity and peace for now. But dun try me this time cause I really have had enough. So much for trusting time and time again. RUBBISH!!! After so long, do u really think I can't see how i've been brought round and round and round in circles?? hm... so dun test my limits really :) Dun wanna reach there so many times in a year!!! i'm way exceeding my record. My life is so short, I dun wanna too many heart attacks...muhahahaha

swinging from an attitude to a pleasant forthcoming personality is truly, utterly extremely fake and disgusting really... be sincere is the underlying take home message hehehe....

NO! It is NOT!!!

2006-08-20T02:14:00.000+10:00

This is going to be the most "unclassified and unusual" entry.

By the way, alot of pple think that my blog has been written or dedicated for that matter to someone in particular. In actual fact, less than 1/4 of this blog is about that one person!!! hahahhahahaha

Action Truly Speaks Louder Than Words...

2006-08-17T14:14:00.000+10:00

Was reading a friend's blog today. A statement caught my attention, " You don't have to tell me what you've done for me, neither do you have to tell me how much I mean to you; needless to say I can see for myself who is TRULY GOOD to me, and vice-versa"

I totally agree with her. We are human, we can see for ourselves. You seriously do not have to tell us! I know who's good to me and who's not. Action speaks louder than words. Sometimes you wonder what people are trying to prove when they tell you what they've done for you. When in actual fact you already know! We all know how to differentiate the good from bad, the right from wrong and even the real from fake. We are blessed with emotions, eyes and a judgemental mind. Yes, I agree that many a times we can be taken for a ride; or on the flip side of the coin we may take people around us for granted at times. Afterall, we're just human. But at the end of the day, I'm sure we'll all be enlightened and not be so blinded or repent for our so-called wrongdoings respectively.

It's not the big things that people do, but it is the small and minute actions that mean more. Very often, we neglect these little gestures till it is too late. But these little gestures do mean more than anything else. Trust me. But it is never too late too appreciate these. It is from these little gestures and actions that help you realise who is truly good to you and who is actuallly taking you for a ride in the process.

And nope, you can't lie. Cause taking people for granted or even taking someone for a ride is evident. We all have feelings; we can feel it really. Are you sincere? It is these little gestures that show it all I'm sure :) You may be able to hide your true feelings, but the little actions cannot mask your true feelings time and time again. That's the exact words of what someone told me that day. And it is through this that I have woken up from my little fairytale land. Sorted what I wanted and what is or what is not worth the effort. Hence, try taking a person for a ride, and you may succeed the first time but you can't win all the time that's for sure!

It's All About T-I-M-E!!!!

2006-08-17T02:58:00.000+10:00

hm...alot of things have happened within the last few weeks or maybe even last week or days or so. well, maybe i shud really consider other aspects of my life. Changes in my life. And even learn to accept the other wonders that surround me. Maybe I really shouldn't be so adamant abt wat I want and be contented with the happiness and blessings that I'm showered with. Probably time to learn to let go again. hehe.

Somehow, I've never been able to be so happy and unrestricted. This is true happiness i guess. Being able to express myself freely in front of everyone. Not having to hide my feelings behind the curtains and living in pretence. The feeling is good. i've managed to overcome one of the greatest barriers. And I hope the many of you out there can do likewise esp my few close friends who have encountered similar episodes to me within the last few mths. Must let go and get on with life. When that happens, you'll realise how beautiful it is actually out there. But my most important msg to you is that to face it. Facing the problem and then overcoming it is probably the only way to test your level of escapism and hence the process of regaining your sanity once more. It takes alot of courage I know, but if you keep hiding yaself from the problem or even other pple or even your own feelings for that matter, you will only feel more and more miserable.

this little entry is not only an expression of my feelings but also a little encouragement (I hope) of some sort to those of you who know you all are :)

A Fun Yet Enlightening Weekend...

2006-08-15T23:48:00.000+10:00

hm... finally the hell week was over!!! now it's really time to concentrate on my studies. It was hell of a weekend for me! it started with fri nite with the National Day Party in Sydney.. and then roaming the st of sydney on sat ending the day and starting the next morning with karaoke and clubbing AGAIN!!! my POOR LIVER!!! it is time to give it rest...haha... and sunday was definitely a great day meeting up with friends and stuff... so that's all good! Happy Happy Happy!!!

but this weekend set me thinking on alot of stuff. I know what most of you will say - you THINK TOO MUCH!!! haha... so many things have changed this weekend. Alot of which I have never expected... Why bother when others dun do rite? Realised that everything takes 2 hands to clap. Totally saw a quarrel/fight/jealousy over this weekend among so many people. No point if everything is one sided anyway. The most impt thing in any r/s is trust and more trust, that's for sure. :) But on the hand, why bother about people who dun care abt you? Why don't spend your time and effort on people who actually care for you! That's what someone told me a mth ago, but nope - I DID NOT BOTHER! Finally, i realised it as I saw it for myself this weekend. So that's it! There's so many friends out there who seriously care abt you anyone of you! and do pay attn to them b4 it's too late. Coz they are ya true friends and really love you! Dun neglect them and realise it's too late yeah? hehe

A Little Update... of HAPPINESS!!!

2006-08-09T15:50:00.000+10:00

haha... this sem has really kept me bz. No time to study. No time to do anything. I'm seriously just stressed so THIN!!! it's not funny. but oh well.. as long as you're happy who cares rite? and TTZ ME!!! MUAHAHHAHAHA.... HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!! haha so many gossips have been floating in the air. But i've come to a point that i seriously don't care. haha. That's just life, but as long as your conscience is crystal clear it doesnt matter!! but in the end hearing the gossips are entertaining.. hehehe... but i guess that's life... pple talk... but take it with a pinch of salt and everything's fine... gossips.. they eventually come back to you...hehehe..how stupid heh?? you might as well ask me...i'll tell u..hahhahaha doesnt matter... human nature.. alrite..off to class...just thot i drop a note coz i havent blogged for ages..guess i'm too bz and happy haha that I dun need to!! hahaha....

My Darling!!! ;)

2006-07-27T12:31:00.000+10:00

Thanks mommy and daddy for this BIRTHDAY PRESSIE!!! (though it took me forever to upload pics onto my blog or even onto my com.. hahaha)

This darling has travelled quite a bit man... all the way to the GOLD COAST!!! hahaha from SYDNEY to GOLD COAST! I know you worked hard!! you deserve a treat hehe ;)

By the way, I'm not so thick-skinned la.. but a gift from a good friend so how can I not put it in my darling haha... Thanks dear.. Very cute, I like it!!!!

Me and My Darling!!!

The THUMBS UP!!!

2006-07-26T19:51:00.000+10:00

haha.. Who cares abt the past as long as I'm Happy now!!! hahahaha... I seriously dun care anymore. I'll be contented with what I have. But I'll be much happier if soon I get my QUEEN SIZE BED!!! hahaha..hoping to change room. But can I?? hehehe.. I'll know in less than a mth..how good is that?? hahahah.. So now that part 1 is resolved. NO MORE THINKING till part 2 starts to bother me. But for now?? ENJOY!!! autonomy day is this friday!! hehehe that's good.. time to let go once again!!! this is really bad on my liver. one week after another!!! hahaha... but oh well it's ONCE a YEAR!! What a LAME excuse heh?? oh well.. what to do???

I realised it's really hard to reflect on happy stuff but really ez to reflect on the bad/depressing moments. So off to tell my happy stuff!!! hahaha maybe I'm high on the gym or the soup that was really super good and nutritious that someone cooked... Isn't it good that ever since I came back alot of pple have been cooking for me?? hahha I think it's soon gonna be my turn.. but oh well.. it's the company not the food hehehehe.. Happy happy happy (as long as I dun think of those few someones which add only to my problems) hahaha...

it was really funny today how one of our profs told us that alot of pple in med school end up marrying each other within the group. oh well, we can see that already after 2.5 years I'm sure. So the qn being is med school SDU?? or is it an education unit?? the questiong remains... hahaha.. back to my study...

sighz.. was thinking of enjoying a bit of autonomy day and go down to sydney for the weekend coz there is something I WANNA down there.. but too bad can't do it this weekend.. hmph :(... next weekend hopefully then...haizzz.... wat to do.. this sem I'm not as free as the last, I can't afford to keep going down to sydney. But then again someone said they'll come up to newie next weekend from sydney to visit me... sighzz..... what should i do then?? I dunnoe.... doesnt matter.. we'll work something out.... all i noe is that each weekend will be lined up with activities and soon 15 weeks will wizz by and i'll be in the states!!!! YOHOO!!!! and then HK prob hahaha (my yearly destination) and then.. I havent thot that far yet..hehehe prob do cambodia before heading back to newie for the new yr next yr.. but till then... it'll be hard work for the next 15 weeks...hehehehe.. but at least school seems fun so far hahahaha

True End of Episode 1 Part 1, but the beginning of Episode 2

2006-07-24T14:12:00.000+10:00

It just felt as if something was completely lifted off my chest today. It felt refreshing and good. Something that I seriously cannot easily describe. All I can say is that it felt really awesome to have HALF the load (well at least half it off) off my mind. Never did i expect that one person to lie to me over and over and over again. So much for that little bit of trust left. To those who have been by my side all this while, and to those who helped me solve this matter, a word of thanks is just not enough. It seriously cannot express my gratiude. I guess it's not just the favor assisted, but the fact that I know that there are friends that I can rely on in times of difficulty.

Somehow, sadly, such joy does not last long.. And just as this one problem was settled, an sms came, and guess what?? It created another problem though very extremely minor, but why do my problems always have to do with that one person. How irritating?!?!! Oh well, but this time I WILL NOT be soft hearted. Who cares!!!

I was thinking over that day, when someone told me he hates me..I seriously had no form of reaction except to say by all means. However, I just felt that it's so wierd!! hate me?? Shouldn't I HATE YOU EVEN MORE?? but the fact is I don't. Why bother hating someone - it's so tiring. Just learn to take a heck care attitude that's what I told myself. But I guess it tells us only one thing and reminds me only one thing. That many a times, we have to learn to be objective of the whole situation. Sit back and think of what was wrong, We're only human; it's natural to be subjective and our friends will be bias towards us. But does it matter? the fact is, before we jump to conclusion, we have to analyse ourselves and our faults - but is it easy? I seriously think that it's really diffiuclt cause we'll always be blinded. But if everyone does that wouldn't there be peace and hence utopia?? haha what a wishful thinking on my part and hence I came back to reality and solved one problem.

Honestly, I dunnoe what i'm trying to bring across in this blog. I guess I'm just rambling on and on and the stupidity of me. But hoepfully everything will go well and smoothly; and soon each and everything will eventually be resolved!

Hopefully, this Marks the END of PART 1 at least...

2006-07-23T12:18:00.000+10:00

For those who are concerned about me and what have been happening over the past few days, I'm really sorry. It really sucks that I can't hide my emotions. It's all written over my face. sighzzz... I can't lie but isn't that a Good things as well?? hehe... except for the fact that it's so difficult to try to be strong on the surface when you're just breaking inside. I know that you guys have been there for me. But sometimes it only complicate maters more when more pple are involved. I'm just contented to know that you guys are are around for me. Life is so ironical! As I said earlier, you lose some but you always gain some others.

Well, honestly today is my L-A-S-T tolerable day... for anymore of this nonsense. I seriously don't care anymore. Everyone has a tolerance.

Good & Bad...

2006-07-22T06:16:00.000+10:00

hm... went out and caught up with some friends from newie today!! that's good to have heard from them after so long hehe. I guess that's what I've been doing for the past few days ever since I stepped back into newie except for handling all my shitty stuff hehe... And finally got my butt down to start doing some work.. FINALLY!!! hahaha... lazy me... haha havent had time to watch my TVB, sighzzz.... but oh well..looking forward to autonomy day next week and then soon i'll be OFF to sydney!!! hehee how good is that... Miss my friends there and loads of pple hehehe.... burning mid nite oil last nite was no joke!!! haven't done that in ages.

Sigh.. Feel so S-H-I-T!!! wat's my life turning into?? Totally feel like i'm taken for a R-I-D-E!!! I'm praying that when i wake up the next morning, everything's changed, but sad to say, it wouldn't. What I wanna would never come true (or at least in the near future I'm pretty sure). Sometimes I feel that alot of things in life it known as "ask-for-it". Sometimes favors are returned as a mess for you to clear up. This is what happened. Everything in my life is so topsy turvy. Luckily at least I managed to put something in order at least... sometimes I really wish I'm back in lismore where i can seriously live in denial of EVERYTHING. haha...

but one thing i seriously dun understand is why some pple are just freaking so irresponsible. doesn't responsibility come with age?? aren't we all old enough to think at least..shouldn't one practice what they preach? Who do you take me for? Your maid? Seriously, i think life is such a joke sometimes. esp now, i think i'm a total fool - a total IDIOT! and seriously what I hate most is pple not realising their limits!!! and why does everyone seem 2 b trying to test my limit?? seriously, i've REACHED it... and soon, very SOON, I'll be hitting that roof!!! sometimes enough is really ENOUGH!!!

New Semester Resolution

2006-07-18T09:45:00.000+10:00

oh well, once I settle all the shit that has be thrown at me the min I stepped back in Newcastle; I'll fulfill my new Semester Resolution - not to slack behind and be on the ball all the time with my work. This semester's work is reallly full on. 11 hrs of school already on the first day. That's absurd!!! But what can I do?? Just study hard I guess. So that's my new resolution. Play Hard but Study Harder!!! And let bygones be bygones. Just pray that the unsettled issues resolve with time and new ones will be managed promptly. And hopefully my life will regain peace like when I was in Lismore!

And to the rest of my friends in Aussie - Have a Good Half Year Ahead!!!

And to the rest of my friends in US/UK/Sg - Have a good start of the NEW YR!!!

And to those who are working or looking for a job - Remember.. I'm still a POOR student.. hehehhee

Feel Just Like a Fool....

2006-07-16T23:40:00.000+10:00

AM IN A HORRENDOUS AND HORRIBLE MOOD AS IT IS... totally am. It seems like everyone and everything is making a fool out of me. Maybe I just am a fool. But what the hell! I feel cheated and horrible. I feel as if everything is wrong. Nothing is going right at all. Maybe I just have a clash with newcastle. It always seems to be nice when I'm away from newie but the minute i step back here, ALL THE PROBLEMS START???!?!?! BUT WHY!?!?! I seriously do NOT understand. Why does it seem that everyone and everybody is lying to me?? Why can't pple keep their word. I'm just so tired. STOP LYING TO ME!!!! I HATE IT!!!! Why can't pple be honest and stop turning the story around. Why try to be nice when in the end it only causes you to be a fool?? I've come to a pt that i'm completely lost. It realli is bad bad bad this time!!! till i've been suffering for gastric ever since the problenm arose.. What the hell... i've had enuf abt lies and rumours... i just wanna my life back in order. Is it that difficult?? sighzzz... Can someone help me pls??? sighzzzzz......

To Accept OR Avoid??

2006-07-16T20:33:00.000+10:00

Oh well... really enjoyed my stint back in Sg. EAT, SHOP, SLACK, SLEEP, WATCH TVB!!! How can life get any better? I have seriously no answer myself!! hehe... But that's life I guess... Enjoy Enjoy Enjoy. Came back to Sydney for 3 days 2 nites and totally enjoyed having fun!! Just chillded out with friends. Though there are heaps of you I missed this time, hopefully I can catch up with u guys again the next time I return yeah? Miss every single one of you!! really do!!! But now I'm back in NEWIE!! sighzz.. school starts tom... that's totally HORRID!!! sighzz... I havent truly had lessons lessons for ages. What's it gonna feel like back in the lectures?? oh well, just not looking forward to it. Now the fun's over and hopefully it won't be too bad...

haha.. Had another interesting chat with someone today. It was about learning to accept the fact of certain issues rather than having to try to forget certain episodes in one's life. I guess it really makes sense. Cause if you learn to accept and move on, the memories will still linger and depress you but you have crossed the biggest hurdle in your heart. However, if you think you have forgotten, and you actually havent, a recurrent episode may trigger a bout of depression which is indeed very UNhealthy. Hence, it's impt to accept the facts that lie ahead of you rather than try to avoid the truth...

To My Dearest Friend...

2006-07-13T12:49:00.000+10:00

Well, something struck me today. Chatted with a friend that I haven't in ages. A true heart to heart chat i mean. Is that neglect? Do you consider that a can't be bothered attitude towards my friends? Well, but as we grow each day, we get busier each day, with more responsibilities and obligations to attend to. However, after not having chatted for so long, yet you can still pour out ya inner most feelings to me, I am touched and this I guess is due to the mutual trust we have in each other. That is not having to be with each other day in and day out, but having to know that during each trial or tribulation that we may encounter, there'll always be a friend whom you can rely to walk that road with you.

I know what you have gone thru in terms of relationships for the last 2 years. I believe that r/s is not easy to handle but one advice I have for you is:

Life is such. Many a times we don't have what we want in life. Things can never be that simple; though we all hope it'll be. But we just have to make the best out of it. Yes, we all paint a perfect partner we want. But is that possible? I really never will be. But what can we do? NOTHING! Just to take a step back and look it from a different angle. Something happened to me recently. Someone completely stole something very impt from me. Initially, i felt that the world was full of lies. But when I saw the smiles of the faces of the innocent children, it reminds you that in life - just like a coin - it has 2 sides to it. It isn't ez really, but don't put the pressure on yourself. Everything requires 2 hands to clap. It's not your fault. Probably the most impt thing is the learn to appreciate the finer things in life and the more positive aspects of each person. Focusing on the negative aspect of a person will only drain you more. And really, enjoy the present (PRESSIES) you have in front of you. He's a gift to you now - treat it as a special gift and you'll only be happier. Don't think too much into everything, it'll only kill the joy in life and I'm sure you'll succeed. Remeber when to use your heart and when to use your head!

I know it sounds really easy to say and I'm not going to say that I empathise with you coz I'm sure we all go through life slightly differently. But all I wanna say to you is I hope that you'll get out of this stronger and I'm sure you would. If I managed, I noe you will. Each step in our life is a step we take forward to our growth for we are growing and learning with each new day. Love you always! I'm finally coming back to Newie, so I'll be there for you when you need someone ok?? 2 more days and I'll see you! For now, hang in there my dear! Take care & Love ya!

Love You Guys!!!

2006-07-12T14:12:00.000+10:00

My Good Old RG Buds (Miss those who are Missing...)

Do What's Best for Yourself

2006-07-07T04:51:00.000+10:00

hm... as usual no one really understands my blog. But it's alright. hehe. Really happy that I managed to download many many tvb serials today - that's my life btw esp when i'm stuck in newcastle. haha... today was good yet bad. Guess I'm happy overall just that something really trival happened and kinda drowned everything a little. But in the process I've learnt not too think too much (something someone kinda taught me unknowingly). That indeed helps heaps. No pt thinking of anything if you dunnoe where it's gonna lead u to... Just let nature take its course and when you come to the end of the brdige, you'll ultimately noe where to go. And if u're really lost, i'm sure the Lord will lead and guide you in the best direction. If thinking makes life more confusing and difficult, why bother? Be happy and it'll all fall into place eventually. If it's a motivation in life to do better, then I'm sure there's no harm at all. Just be happy and do your best and leave the rest to the Hands of the Lord!

the key - DUN WORRY BE HAPPY (sounds cliched..but who cares..hahaha)

The Greatest JOKE!

2006-07-06T06:02:00.000+10:00

2 sides two a coin - I so believe it's true now... hahaha

hahahaha... i've heard the greatest joke ever today in my life. Never realised how much of an idiot i've been. Why did I bother to help someone so much and getting my name smeared in the process. hahaha. I never expected anything in return, but definitely did not expect this in return. hahaha. Am i just dumb or stupid? haha. Think I've learnt to take ya advice as of today - be strong and not so softhearted: Do not let others take advantage of you - what an irony man!!!! hahaha

One story the last 2 days have been bothering me. My heart goes out to someone. Others may think that i'm jealous. May think that I'm gloating, but in actual fact I blame myself for the whole saga. Believe it or not it's totally up to u... hehe... Had i stopped it earlier this would not have happened. So why did I let it happen in the first place? I seriously do not understand. I guess it's really my fault. But now I can't do anything either just that little bit I've tried... for better or for worse I dunnoe either..

Just be strong yeah? And it'll be over soon. Close the old chapters so that you can open a new one. Once you find your happiness - remember it is yours always and no one can steal it from you! :)

And i'll pray that you - my friend - will get through this tortuous period with ease asap.

Happiness Reigns!!!

2006-07-04T03:04:00.000+10:00

These few days are probably one of my happiest moments for the past few mths. Never felt so delighted and happy for such a long time. Happiness with no worries nor frustrations. Never been able to talk abt the past with so much ease till recently (prob lismore did good as acknowledged earlier). The freedom to do whatever I want to. The joy to see my loved on smile with each family gathering. The eagerness to meet up with friends whom I haven't seen for years. Being able to just do whatever I want at my own whims and fancy. Most importantly quality time with family.

Did alot of things today that made my day. News that I received, little gestures that pple made absolutely made my day. It's either i'm easily contented or simply that the past has been really traumatizing. Whatever it maybe, I'm glad for the supportive friends both in Singapore and Newcastle. Guess my trip back to Singapore made a world of a difference. Realised the sacrifices made in relationships. But i'm glad and appreciative of the friends for their understanding and support. I'm so happy that I seriously dun wanna go back to aus anymore except that i really miss my darling. hehehe. For those who dunno who my dearest darling is, use your head!!! hahahaa. He's my no 1, and he'll never go against me. How good is that. He helps me release my stress if need be, he helps me accomplish many things and most importantly he'll be there always when I need him.

I shall continue my joy for the rest of the trip!

For A Really Good Friend.....

2006-07-03T01:54:00.000+10:00

Dedicated to a Really Good Friend of Mine - I know what you're going through though I say nothing, but this is just a little thought from me... Hope it helps...

If given a choice, would you find out the truth? What would do you better? No one knows till you try it out. But will that only cause more misery and unsettlements? So what's the best deal? I wouldn't know either. But I guess every OPENING in life requires a CLOSURE. There's nothing much any of us can do except to lend you our shoulder and give you a listening ear when u need it. Just remember that there are always many of us around you to support you in your darkest moments. And as long as you're happy that's all that mattes. If you are happy no one can steal it away from you. Don't hide it anymore, let out what you need to. I know that there's still some lose ends in you but besides being strong, running away is not going to help at all.

Just remember that happiness is what you own - something that NO SINGLE PERSON can rob you off it. And I'll pray for the day that I can once again see that TRUE smile on your face. And how should we go about searching for this happiness? No one can really teach you I guess, it's all up to each individual. But most importantly is not to ever live in denial, close the past, look towards the future. Take the past as a lesson learnt and move on. I'm confident that you'll succeed out of this trial and come out of it only stronger. I know that it's easier said that done; but once you see the rainbow you'll realise how beautiful the world is out there once again and that little setback is nothing compared to the horizon that awaits you.

Take care my dear and if you ever need a listening ear i'm here no matter how far i maybe (even if i'm back in aus). Just shout for me and i'll be there. I promise. I've been through this before and I totally understand how you feel but I guess I've been enlightend; and thus I'm confident that you'll soon reach that finishing line and win this race only to find the beauty that awaits you, esp since you've always been stronger than me :)

Treasure What's In Front of You Before it's Too Late...

2006-07-01T04:36:00.000+10:00

In life, we lose some and we gain some. But prob the most important thing is to treasure what is right in front of us. Many a time we never realise it's importance till it's gone. And often that just leads to regrets. Never realised how impt somethings and some pple are to me until things that have happened. But i guess that is life. Treasure it or it's gone. Well, at least there are the memories that you can still hold on to. Whatever it may be, the fact is that it has disappeared and all one can do now is to treasure those memories that were once part of this whole saga. Once it is too late, you'll regret it. Regret that you once took everything/everyone for granted. Now the clock cannot be turned but it's all too late.

Sometimes how you wished you could turn back the clock and take back what u've said or done; but it's just impossible - the harm is done. There is nothing u can do abt it now anyway except to remember this lesson learnt. And also to pray that the Lord will bless you with happiness and a direction for the future. Where should I go? Where should my footsteps take me? Only the Lord will know.

The worse ever is to live in regrets but that's just something you have to live with. So minimize ya regrets and treasure the present! Well, in life there are things u can change but somethings you can never ever change. You should know what they are. And these are the essence of our lives. The most intricate aspects of our lives yet these little things are those that we always end up taking for granted. Life is IRONICAL, but that's just the way it is.

Just Remember: Treasure the Present Before It's Ever Too Late...

You Can Do It!

2006-06-30T01:32:00.000+10:00

hm... finally 8 weeks are over and i'm back in sg... during this 8 weeks it was a really good time for reflecting and building the inner peace within myself. Being able to live in seclusion, away from all the gossip and talk was one of probably the best things that has ever happened to me in the last 1+ years. Not having to bother about anybody's feelings, not having to bother about other people's problems, just being able to have some quiet time for 'meditation'. How good was that? Found out how much each little thing/person means to me now. Found out what is important and what is simply not worth it. This was probably God's gift to me after the undulating journey I had to travel the last few mths. He's way of helping me regain inner peace and clarity in the mind. Despite being away from my loved ones and friends, I must really say that these 8 weeks have probably been one of my happiest periods the last few months. No quarrels to think about or care, nobody's affairs to care nor anyone to entertain. The stress away from all the dramas around me help ease the frustrations. It was work, fun and friends everyday. How good was that? and now i'm back home with familiy. and this definitely is AWESOME!!!

so moral of the story is that in life we always have to find tt inner peace as well as serenity to calm ourselves and regain stability in our lives. this is the key to any trials and tribulations. i noe it sounds easy but it is difficult. but i'm sure we all can do it. it's the power within all of us that drives this and just remember - YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Take Care My Dear Friends! (You Know Who You All Are)

2006-05-31T19:21:00.000+10:00

haha looking at the bright side of things really helps. I know alot of my friends are going through alot recently. Sorry, can't be there for alot of you as I'm stuck in Lismore now. Well, was really initially suffering from close to major depression but as i look back and think about stuff, if you look at the brighter side of things, life cannot be that bad. It actually is better that what it always seems to be or what is actually placed right in front of you. Just be strong yeah? Guess the best thing of coming to Lismore (was initially the worse too) is that I could be alone for a while to sort out my life and place it back into order which I hope I've done. Sometimes a little time away from everyone is good so there is no form of denial but rather acceptance (or is it the other way around of running away from it?? Time will tell.. hehehe). So just hang in there whatever it is and hopefully everything will be settled yeah? take care all and love ya all lots...

Tomorrow Will Always Be A Better Day

2006-05-28T18:40:00.000+10:00

hm..realised that no matter how horrid one's life maybe, as long as you think positively, tomorrow will always be a better tomorrow. If not there's always another tomorrow to hope for! Whatever it maybe, there's always the hope for a better tomorrow. Shouldnt we be glad that we're blessed with this hope for a better tomorrow? Yup, so from now till the end of this rotation, it's good, better and fantastic things that I'll look forward to! Well, despite the loneliness and hectic lifestyle i'm leading now, everything I guess is good if you look at it from a different perspective. At least, now i'm more of a student - one that actually studies rather than play all day long, and also, I'm learning and not wasting and rotting my youth away. Also, the serenity has given me the platform to sit back relax and think about all the enjoyable things that I treasured in the past, and reflect on the mistakes I've met. And most importantly, hope for MANY BETTER TOMORROWS!

Life is NOT Logical

2006-05-27T19:52:00.000+10:00

Was just talking to someone that day, and he told me that life in general is never logical. One can never be able to rationalise it. Oh well, and then another friend called me like minutes after and guess what? He started to tell me about relationship problems and its adverse effects on life in general. How coincidental? And that made me seriously sit down to think about the statement that one can never reason life. I guess most importantly is to accept it the way it is. No matter how bad it may seem, there will always be a turning point. To be able to turn to something which the Lord thinks is better for you. I'm waiting for that day to come. For him to show me what is out there for me. To show me the light and the sparks of life. That's the message that I want to bring across today I guess. That life can never be explained in words, not rationally analyzed. But most importantly is hope. I know it's difficult to hope in despair. But having thought of the people that are worse off than you, I realised that I should consider myself very fortunate. Initially, was supposed to go for a road trip this weekend and then I hurt my ankle, so we cancelled the trip. Was something I really looked forward to I guess after being stuck in the country for the past 3 weeks. And after having to cancel it, I was really really upset and disappointed. But having thought about it, at least I still have my family and friends who care about me and love me. In other words, I am still very lucky.

Have been watching my favourite HK drama serials recently, and came to this really touching serial (though I don't have the last episode, but it's still really nice overall). It reflects the life of a family where everyone took each other for granted, and upon the loss of one family member, they became so devasted and every single member of the family started losing their direction and motivation in life, living in denial. Well, that's my point, life is so unpredictable and delicate, You just never know what will happen next. So treasure what you have now and be happy and satisfied; and that's the only way to live life to the fullest! Furthermore, life is just so funny, you can't explain it cause it's just so illogical. But that is life, always treasure what you have around you before it's too late; be it your friends or family. No one person is replaceable, each person has engraved a milestone in your heart, so treasure the present and be contented with what you already have. Be more observant and appreciative of the people around you and you'll realise how important each figure in your life is and how many things you have taken for granted - be it the little kind gestures that people have done or little sacrifices that your loved ones have done for you. It is so common to live in denial or even not realise these little actions which mean so much; as such, we never appreciate the finer things in life. However, these truly are the gems in one's life, that will indeed light the faces of many...

And from today, I'll start working hard on my studies/career and learn to greater appreciate the finest things in life!

Praise the Lord!!!

2006-05-24T18:55:00.000+10:00

hm... slowly getting into the mood for survival... Hopefully I don't get to used to rural life until i get freaked out of city life.. haha doubt it really, but i guess now that i'm really bz, it keeps my mind off things and I dun get so stressed over so many little things in life or the fact that I'm so far away from home. I really miss my family and friends all over. Have made some really really good friends in lismore too so it's good.. hehe..and I've received one of the BEST news ever... heheh but b4 we go to tt....

One thing i'm really sad about is the news I think I received. Well, tried really hard initially and all this while, to know that although I really really tried, it failed. People think I'm crazy but seriously all I hope in my life is for people around me to be happy. But why is it that despite how much I try, I always end up hurting people instead? esp those really close to me? Maybe it's just me. Maybe this time being away from everyone, it'll help bring peace to my loved friends out there.

Besides all these, I'm very glad to receive a piece of really good news. It really lightened my mood and made me feel so much better. To me, nothing means more than the relationships around me, esp my family and friends. Bad thing for sure is that I'm building up this r/s with my patients too and detaching yourself sometimes is really really difficult. Guess i've gotta learn not to be so emotional. But at least with one load off my chest, it helps. Hopefully, this is the turning point of everything and things will eventually turn out the way I hope for it to be (though I'm certain one of it will definitely not be.. but that's life, you can't have everything you wanna)

Well, for now I thank the Lord for answering my prayers so far, and pray that'll He'll always shower us with his love. (and hopefully one day my wishes will also come true.. hehehehehehe)

Just at the Brink of GIVING UP!!

2006-05-21T19:13:00.000+10:00

Sighzzzzzzzzz.. it's so difficult... pre clinical years are way simpler than this. I'm dying... I dun understand a SINGLE THING!!! and seriously nothing is getting into my head. Think it is even worse now that there is no guidance nor lectures, it's a free and easy thing.. either u survive or u die.. it's totally up to u.. it's worse when I have seriously no motivation to even bother ever since I stepped into this shit hole... sighz...and at the looks of it i'm in dire straits abt to lie on the streets waiting for death bed.. Guess it is not making it any better that i'm alone in lismore... Everyone who comes here either has family or friends in the region and here again, i stuck here for the weekend. The reason of coming here is now invalidated, so what really is the purpose of life?? It's not like i expect anything in return but oh well, so feeling shitty that it is all so pointless now, everything now and in the future will be... everything for me is just so screwed up.. sighzz... So at the brink of giving up this course, or maybe i really really need a break... I dunnoe.. maybe i'm just not cut out for anything anyway.. I suck.. I'm good for nothing anyway.. so oh well.. How many things have i changed in my life?? Why can't I settle for just something.. I really enjoy what i'm studying and I love the job but it's just so hard.. it's so hard to cope and i'm seriously struggling heaps.. It's driving me insane.. Will ya passion really carry you forth to what you really wanna do and faciliate you to persevere all the way to the end? Guess only time will tell..

Even more depressed when i washed my darling today at the automated machine thingy and it got scratched by those stupid brushes...how freaking hurt and upset i am... arghz...why cant ANYTHING in my life ever go right?? for once pls?? i just wanna a simple easy life.. not some complicated dramas to mess my life. Just wish for my family and friends around me to be happy and blessed with peace. Why can't life be that simple, a family or warmth and happiness and friends who are caring. Why is life just not so simple?? oh well... used to think that that is all that matters.. but as the days go by i realised it is not.. I realised that everything you do somehow revolves around something or someone else.. or is it just me? I dunno.. Well, i dun wanna wish for anything anymore. Coz i realised that the more i wish for something, the more i'll never get it and as such i guess i'll never be happy. Maybe I'm just a jinx.. oh well...

... without hopes, they won't be disappointment so why hope when all it leads to is a string of endless broken hearts...

What's The Point Of Anything??

2006-05-20T17:43:00.000+10:00

Just a WARNING: Don't read unless you're prepared to hear very melancholic depressive rumbles and grumbles. (not meaning to be rude.. sorry but yeap just to warn anyone first...)

Well, looks like i really have to start studying. Been pretty depressed of late. I have no idea why. Maybe it's the change of environment, parents have left, school is interesting but doesnt help like I can't remember nuts and feel like an idioit during rounds, all the new friends I've made are great but they are all finishing their rotation!!! Everything in my life is so unstable now. Unstability sucks. sighzzz. Wish this whole rotation will just go quickly.

Everything in my life is just so unstable now. Every single aspect. It really is no joke. Everday, when there is hope, something will dash it. Whatt's the meaning of anything and everything??? What's the point of doing something for someone and eventually it becomes pointless. And nevermind abt that, the outcome is now irreversible, such that I cant even do anything to change it. There is no way out and i'm stuck in this dark tunnel where the road seems to be winding, undulating and never ending. When can i get out and where will i go?? Everything doesnt even seem to go a way i wanna it go. everything just seems so bleak recently. Why hope for anything coz my very last hope to put one aspect of my life in a bit more direction at this point has resulted in a negative outcome too...it's just like i dunnoe how to explain... there is nothing in my life that is stable... everything just seems to disappear in a day or two... 1 day is like 1 year..how will the next 3 years ever pass i really wonder....

I think any more shocks may result in a seriously major breakdown.. that time i may not be the examiner of the psychiatric assessment but the EXAMINEE of the psychiatric assessment. Oh well... what can i say?? guess the only thing that keeps me going is my passion for the course... if not I think i wont even know how to type this out anymore...

How I hope that there'll be a light at the end of this tunnel soon, I'm seriously emotionally and physically and mentally drained... maybe a weekend in sydney will bring back some sanity in me... but sighz...it's exam period.. Who will put me up?? BIG BIG QUESTION... hint hint.. hm...maybe this weekened or next weekend.. or maybe 2 weekends...hahaha will see...

MY WISH LIST.. (will be updated when I can remember)

2006-05-13T17:42:00.000+10:00

(updated 24/05/06)

I Wish For..

1. ... A Healthy and Happy Family!!
2. ... The Lord to Bless All my Family and Friends Around Me with ALL HIS LOVE
3. ... Everyone around me is safe and sound always...
4. ... Happiness to fill those loved ones around me (Friends and Family)...
5. ... Long Lasting Friendships...
6. ... Life to be as Simple as it can be...
7. ... The Strength for Me & Everyone to Carry On Even in the Darkest Moments of Life (esp the ill people around me now. May the LORD Bless you ALWAYS!)

... and for the more tangible stuff... (NOT HINTING anything to anyone...really..... just a thought throughout the week of loneliness in the wilderness... PROMISED!!!)

8. ... A collage of photos of my friends and family throughout my life in a jigsaw puzzle...
9. ... Not a flower gal.. but if i had a choice, I'll wanna one with many different pestel coloured roses in a bouquet... (Know they die and are impractical... but once will be nice..)
10. ... to graduate out of Med Sch without much difficulty...

hm... had a lot of things i wanted.. but they are all forgotten as i sat in this internet cafe...guess will have to add it next time...hahaha

In the Gold Coast....

2006-05-13T17:32:00.000+10:00

Well, for the benefit of my friends are actually CONCERNED abt me... hahha...only those who are la...u can have a little insight to my life now... instead of having to keep calling me coz i know it is a little expensive.. but obviously a little call sometimes is nice...to those who have dropped a note on me...thanks heaps...greatly appreciate it!!! very happy with each sms or phonecall.. well i guess you won't understand how much it means when you're so far away alone in the wilderness and you receive a msg that someone still does care....well still welcome all the calls though... hehe coz then i dun feel so lonely in this little place without any form of civilization....

Well, so far so good i guess in terms of work..everything else I will leave it out off the blog yeah? hehe...work is pretty interesting just tt i'm really tired..but then i took the weekend off and now i'm in the GOld coast for a short break.. back to lismore tom. actually i mean going to lismore tom after being in the a one street remote area for a week... hahaha...

i miss alot of pple...sighz...with my parents leaving soon i'll prob start missing everyone greatly when tt happens...happy tt they're still with me...and obviously i'm at some internet cafe now as I hardly have any internet access.. how sad is tt..greatly deprived... was nearly in severe major depression last week in the wilderness..haha...but wat can i do... it's something I have to go through.. I have to go through...sighz... will update you guys more when I'm back in lismore yeah?? and to those who still keep me updated with all dramas..hahah thanks man... hope to hear from you all soon!! though i noe i sleep really early nowadays.. great healthy lifestyle...

one thing for sure...my main aims in lismore..DIET!!! i've put on SO MUCH WEIGHT!!! it is unbelievable!! yucks yucks yucks!!! hahahhaa.. as one good friend said..it'll help me save time cooking too with me always being so tired after work anyway..hahha....i really miss you guys everyone!!! haha...

Oh Well..

2006-05-12T18:00:00.000+10:00

Haven't been able to blog much. Internet time limited at work. Been hell of a good yet bad week i must say. Good at work and time passes really fast. Also, everyone at the surgery is so friendly and stuff gotta to learn alot alot alot... hehehe.. very happy abt tt only thing is i have to start reading up alot all over agin..sighz... really forgot alot of stuff... i guess except getting really emotional with patients and stuff.. it's pretty depressing sometimes...

but oh well... been really upset emotionally esp today.. I dunno why.. am I just being too emotional now?? but everything doesnt seem to go right.. Have had this really bad feeling at work the whole of today.. sighz... friendship, relationships, kinship.. just everything i guess... why does it always seem to go haywire for me?? sighz.. or am i just too sensitive.. well but if the other person is happy i'll be happy too.. but sighz.. i've realised something recently after 1 week in far away from all my friends and family.. something I never ever thought would be true.. something that struck me really hard and I really hope that i'll get over it soon if everything goes the way I felt it was going today.. sighz... I dunnoe why i'm rattling on like this..pretty unusual but i guess ever since I came up here I've no one really to talk to.. everyday it's so bz at the surgery and stuff by the time u get home after dinner it's time to sleep wake up early in the morning to work again.. so maybe it's just my rambling bit of my life... but yeah...

hopefully things turn for the better... this bad hit is something tt has only happened once before and I really never ever thought it'll be like this.. WHY?!?! i wish i can step out of it right now.. tried to.. resisted for nearly a week but failed yest.. caused my whole next day to go even more haywire.. maybe if i persisted I would not have realised the greater inner deeper feelings of my life... If only.. but now it's indeed too hard to turn back this clock.. oh well...

Something for You.. Yes.. For YOU (The ONE Reading This Right NOW!!!)

2006-05-02T19:49:00.000+10:00

Just something for all my family and friends reading this. Something right from the bottom of my heart. Love you all always. Everyone (and I mean everyone) who has been part of my story this far and in the future.. even if u're just a character in a teeny weeny bit of the whole book... May the Lord Bless ALL OF YOU ALWAYS!

Countdown...

2006-05-02T12:20:00.000+10:00

Finally have time to actually sit down and write a proper blog. Just came back from Melbourne. It was so good!!!! Rather the shopping therapy and food therapy really healed my soul, a time to forget all the frustrations and stuff. hehehe... Now just looking forward and counting down the hours i get to see my mommy and daddy!!! hehehe they ARE coming up to SYDNEY again....HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!! hahhaa.... and off to coffs harbour and lismore will I be for my placement in like 4 days time. I guess it's now a mixture of different feelings. Sad and Happy.. But which more?? I really have no idea. I guess I can't keep staying in Sydney so the departure from Newcastle is not too bad either I guess. Take sometime to think through my messy life. My life of changes and undulating dramas. haha the dramatic incidents in my life recentli is seriously entertaining. Kept me surviving through the last few weeks.. Maybe that adds the colour in my life to keep me going.. Despite the boring lifestyle in Lismore, maybe i'll just enjoy the serenity and peace that awaits me. I guess that its God's Blessings for me to take things ez and calm down for a new chapter in my life... :)

The many doubts in life shall still remain a question mark for now... Maybe it's a mystery to unravel or maybe there'll never be answer... But more imptly i guess it is to be happy for now. Hard it maybe.. but I guess if you're not happy no one can on your behalf. Happiness is a disease. Spread it to the pple around you. Realised that my mood does affect the pple around me which i dun wan to see upset. So yup... Be Happy... and most imptly Be yourself :)

A Song I Really Like... (With a Special Meaning Too.. hehe )

2006-05-02T00:39:00.000+10:00

想说
- 许志安

好想能守候在你的身旁
你温柔的眼光阻挡着忧伤
好想能停泊在你的海港
让船儿一直停放
永不再出航
我在每一个漆黑夜晚独自忧伤
害怕这思念却无法伪装
我在每一个破晓黎明等待着天亮
等待你给我不灭的火光
心里有话想说
心里的痛你懂
有太多太多的情感覆水难收
心里有话想说
心里的痛你懂
我不愿埋怨的泪水
已经没有尽头

For those who know me... My chinese really sucks la... This song was introduced to me from a realli good friend.. and somehow after he explained it to me..(despite the tune being realli nice and sad) I realised that it really reflects the many ironies... or should it be conflicts.. (oh well u get the idea) in life esp abt relationships... the complicated entity of life..

Maybe It's Just Me....

2006-05-01T00:22:00.000+10:00

maybe it's really just me.. i only know how to bring misery/frustrations around me.. sighz... am i just a nemesis?? maybe i am.. guess e 2 mths away to lismore will do everyone good. then nothing bad would befall around the pple that are around me.. I'm just the cause of anything i guess.. maybe i shud really disappaer and things will not be so bad.. the ironical thing of life is that the happiness of the pple around me is way more impt than my own but sadly i seem to be bringing more unhappiness than sunshine into the lives of others.. and even more sadly these are pple that mean alot alot alot alot to me.. sighzzz wat shud i do?? i really dunnoe... oh well.. i guess a quiet sorry in my heart is all that i can say...

it's not sympathy i'm gaining here by the way.. i guess it's really time i sit and reflect on what i've been doing.. think i make things bad enough... now i'm making things even worse.. how sad can tt be... just prob did the stupidest thing to ever do despite how much the whole saga means to me...if thigns do change from then.. i only have myself to blame i guess... it is my fault anyway...no one else's... sighz... what's said cannot be unsaid or wat's done cannot be undone...it's just time to face the consequences i guess... maybe i shud really return to hermit land and let everyone get on with a better life...than to have to bother with me... i'm sorry to those i've hurt.. and sorry to those who i've brought trouble to...

Hope This Helps My Friend...

2006-04-30T23:36:00.000+10:00

- DON'T QUIT -

Whatever it may be, I'll always be there for you. Jia You!!! Take Care.. I know it may not be that that appropriate.. But i guess it's the closest that I can find after so long... hehe :)

TRUE or FALSE??

2006-04-20T02:57:00.000+10:00

sighz... I just know that this blog is going to be superly melacholic. It's gonna sound so drama-mama but i seriously don't care hahaha...

Just a thought. Is it really important to know?? Is it bad being too trusting?? Oh well I guess ultimately only you yourself will get hurt. But why can't you learn from lessons?? and when u finally learn from your lesson not to trust too easily, u become so tired.. What's this world coming to? If each time u trust pple and end up becoming hurt, won't you learn to stop trusting anyone? I guess that's life.. It really makes me wonder whether that is the truth.. I dunnoe if i should trust anything anyone says from now on.. I still do but after I do, i somehow have this feeling i'm gonna get hurt all over again. Why?? Why?? Why??

But what if this final one is seriously the truth and the rest are not? But how will u ever find out?? Somehow it just really seems like a de ja vu.. I guess the most hurting aspect is to find out that someone you whole-heartedly trust was cheating your feelings or maybe even making use of you for that matter. I guess it doesnt matter anyone coz it's passed.. but what matters is that you are scarred and now you have to carry this phobia unknowingly that someone else will do likewise to you in the near future.. and it's scary... it really is...

I dun wanna noe the outcome or wat is gonna happen in the future.. all i wanna noe is whether that's the truth or not.....just dun wanna find out pple lying to me anymore....

What is True Love?

2006-04-15T10:17:00.000+10:00

Hm... Back to one of my usual entries on the meaning of life and stuff. This entry may sound melancholic and all but it has seriously NOTHING to do with me. Just a thought from somewhere, somebody or something if you may so call it.

What thing that I never believed in is that TRUE LOVE between a couple ever existed. Or it may but out of probably a 1000 couples maybe 1 or 2 blossom out of true love that remains through life and eternity. Seriously, what is true love? Is it forced? Or is it simply an understanding of what both parties need? Or is it simply called LOVE jsut because it is? So what is it? Many people claim that true love is about making the person you love happy and showering with care and concern all the time. But if it is not reciprocated, doesn't that make it a one sided love? Shouldn't true love be a mutual thing? On the other hand, how can love be measured? Is caring for a person love? Or is thinking of the person love? I guess there is no answer. Only you yourself will know. If we can't measure love, how can we classify it as true love?

Doesnt love die off eventually? Doesnt the weight of each relationship eventually rely on trust? So that what is really love? Is it something you have to fight for? Shouldnt it be a Gift from GOD? I suppose every single relationship's main element is trust, honesty and mutual understanding and respect for it to blossom. If that is the case, what's the point of lying in any relationship? Isn't it going to make things worse? Why drag others into your relationship? Shouldnt true love only revolve around you and your other half? Wouldn't one extra person only complicate matters further? It's the trust you should base on, not the people to help you pick up the lose ends.

But i suppose, "TRUE LOVE is NOT about Loving the Perfect Person, But Loving an Imperfect Perfectly".

Whatever it may be, if its yours its yours (though i guess sometimes you do have to work for it... hehehe). But do thank the Lord for the blessings and love he showers. That's the GREATEST LOVE ever.... for the LORD loves us - imperfect beings! That's TRUE EVERLASTING LOVE!!! :)

Poor Boy.. I'm Sorry... HEARTBROKEN :(

2006-04-12T17:34:00.000+10:00

haiz.. I must be really bored.. Wrting a blog this often. hahaha.. Oh well.. I'm so heartbroken.. cause I hurt my darling today.. Poor boy... Now he has scratches all over and to the bare skin.. Sorry darling... hehehe.. it hurts me to see him hurt.. I'm sorry yeah?? But you'll get to take a good long rest when I leave next week ok? I'll miss you as usual but oh well at least u'll get a break... a nice long one in fact.. hehe.. I'll fix ya up tom ok? and then give u a nice clean look tom.. Will spend my whole afternoon with u and on u and no one else.. u'll get my full attention for once.. hehehe.. But for now bare with the pain my dear... hehehe and hopefully we'll get it fixed soon.. hehehe

You're strong yeah? so I'm sure u can endure rain or shine when I'm not with you for the next 3 weeks... But you'll be in safe hands I'm sure. :)

We'll Never Know...

2006-04-12T09:40:00.000+10:00

hm... oh well.. *sighz* Supposed to be able to go down to sydney today but something propped up and so i'm stuck here for another few days. But that's alright! I'll make the best out of it I hope. haha...

Oh well, going to the beach alone yesterday was perfect! It provided me the calmness to ease my frustrations and sorrows. It's probably my favourite place in the whole of Newcastle. The serenity and peacefulness clears your minds and your thoughts as you slowly sieve through the necessary details and slowly sort out your thought process. I guess it's really important to be able to have a clear mind to think and analyse each situation to finally come down to a situation. Especially sometimes when we all forget about other minute details, it is important to analyse the whole situation once more to come to an optimal decision. I know it's not easy. But nothing is. We all have to go through the mill. Even sometimes after making a decision, we start wondering whether that decision is the best one. Or whether it was the wrong one. The fact remains that we will never know. Cause after we choose one path in life we cannot turn back that clock to start al over again. Even if we changed our routes halfway through our journey, it would also not be the same, for the timing is already different. That's life I guess, so the important thing I guess is to make the best of what you have and try to be happy yeah? Well, and sometimes if you're really not sure, praying helps I guess to give ou a clear mind to think. Solve one problem at a time and you'll be on your way!

Also, Happy Birthday to another good friend of mine! I'll see you down in Melbourne soon!! and not to worry I did not forget your present hehehe. Hope you have a wonderful birthday and many MORE to come!! miss you!!

If You're Happy, I'm Happy

2006-04-11T17:02:00.000+10:00

Haha.. I know my blog sounds really crap now..hm... but besides all those dramatic incidents that has been happening in my life.. I'm happy for the TRUE FRIENDS i've made..here or elsewhere..glad that God has given me these wonderful blessings... yup.. to me my friends and family are really truly impt.. As long as they are happy i'm happy... but if anyone is sad i'll feel the sorrows too.. hehe guess i'm too emotional as well.. too easily affected by pple's emotions around me.. but to me... my friends' and family's happiness is definitely more impt than my own..hehehe... that's how much i treasure u guys... coz i noe i suck at showing it..maybe shy is the word.. or is it pride... but deep down inside i really do.... and sadly i only realised this when i lost something dear to me...

Hmmmm... as usual my blog is MISUNDERSTOOD AGAIN!!! hahahaha... for those who talked to me personally hehee.. u've got the answer u wanted.... but for some of u who left ya comments...hahaha.. my pt is quite obviously MISUNDERSTOOD again.. hahahaha... now tt brings me to the pt.. am I tt difficult to understand?? I seriously don't think so... hahhaa coz it's actually very ez to read me once you really get to know me...hahhaa but u have to think of things simply.... i'm no where near the complications of my blog... serious... haha.. coz my blogs are my frustrations.. my thought process.. my worries and my sorrows.. and hopefully soon my happiness (hopefully it comes soon too hehehehe)... but for those who know me... u know how simple a person i am rite? ez to read and decipher... no guess work involved...but think simply my friends... my blog may seem abstract..but honestly take out the frills.. and the meat is there... hehehe

but then it doesnt bother me how anyone of u reads it..really hahaha it's totally your own interpretation.. if you're happy i'm happy hehehe honest... *smilez*

It Sets You Thinking..

2006-04-11T16:34:00.000+10:00

oh well... why does everything seem to go against me?!?!? sighzz.... now i'm stuck in this hell hole for one more day... so much for burning midnite oil just to try to finish my work... when it's finally done the server cannot work to read my file...so now i have to drag through this day once more..sigh sigh sigh...wat full of crapshit...haha

now i really wonder whether it is sydney that i wanna go.. or is it just me that i wanna get out of this place?? was really happy last weekend or last week rather in sydney... why?? i dunnoe guess i could take my mind off EVERYTHING!!! yeah... and guess wat.. i just nearly burnt my place down!!! totally forgot that i was cooking..damn...thank goodness i saved it in time....hahhaha

oh well.... there really isnt much for me to do in sydney either..i just sit at home and stone..but it just seems to be worse here some how..the day is longer...and the nite is shorter....sighz...oh well...hopefully it'll all be back soon...

but then i'm always looking forward to better shopping in melbourne...hehe... and meeting up with friends and stuff..sounds exciting.. been ages since i last met them..but i guess it'll be all good.. and then a trip down to NZ in july!!! haha..though i'm seriously not looking forward to going to a boring all rural area in lismore and BOGANGAR?? there apparently isnt even a mobile network in bogangar..how sad can i get..sighzzzz...oh well..someone save me?!!?! i'll be internet-less soon enough..so i better enjoy this few weeks...hehehhehee....ttz enough rambling and complaining...shall go wait for the server to start working all over again..hehehe...

A Stooopid Syndrome....

2006-04-10T18:14:00.000+10:00

oh well..i'm back in my hell hole room...empty to the "brim"...back to my books..actually just a little report.. but oh well hopefully i seem to be dragging and dragging the report... exceeded the acceptable word limit but i'm still continuing...oh welll..hehe somehow i always seem to have alot of things to say...should start shortening it very soon hehehehe

anyway...enough of my rubbish... i'm back to my "writing-letter-moods"... have written this long long letter to someone this whole afternoon but it'll prob stay in my books forever as usual...muahhahaha (ttz my "writing-letter-not-producing-it syndrome) hahahah...hm...it's just the way i vent things out straightforwardly... is it wrong to be scared to voice ya opinions?? hm... but then wat if u offend someone?? oh well... or sometimes i guess u say things wrongly u lose a friend or sometimes worse case senario someone close to u...maybe thats why it's always impt to keep that lesson - think first speak later...hehehe but somehow..it sucks whatever u say always seems to turn out wrongly..i dunnoe oh well... sometimes pple say that misunderstandings are fine cause that's part and parcel of life...and if u really treasure each other then they will be cleared and forgiven.. but are such risks meant to be taken?? I really wonder.... but then again..wat's the pt of writing letters addressed to people but not actually showing to them?? oh well...i dunnoe... hm.... the only thing is that it gets it off my chest... but do others have the rite to know?? I really wonder...sighzzz.. i guess i worry abt everything hahhaa....oh well..... back to my stoopid report....been crapping so much..it's just amazing how much bullshit i can release in that one report...muahhahaah

.../cont'd

2006-04-08T23:25:00.000+10:00

oh well.... today's a friend's bdae!! hehehe happy birthday friend..u noe who u r!!! hehehehem as i said.. good or bad there'll be no names..hahahaha

well... as said is ez contentment good?? ans is simple...yes when u wanna be happy i guess... like anything can make u happy..isnt tt nice... so every time u fall it's easier to pick up and go..hehee..oh well.. but i guess it's bad too coz u'll always be stuck there... and never move up the ladder...but then again it's diff... wat do u define being contented as?? can you be happy yet still have the drive to succeed?? is it possible?? hm... i really wonder... oh well.... will soon have to find out..hahhaa

but one thing for sure is that I realised i'm not easily contented... I always wanna aim higher and higher...yeah i guess it places alot of pressure on myself... but i'm just easily happy abt things that are happening arnd me.. little gestures pple make and do for u can please me...*hint hint* my friends...heheh just kidding..but yup...

hm...just realised something from a friend today..and i realised that sometimes keeping things within u are the worse ever feeling.. u just feel so drained with the issue as it overloads u forever... coz the more u keep it inside u the more it overwhelms. But sometimes wat can u do?? it presses u further when pple keep asking and u jus cant say a word...hehehe but wat can u do... that's life i guess...

hm....

2006-04-07T20:01:00.000+10:00

it's been a few days since i last posted anything.. prob really really tired being in sydney and stuff... haha but it's been fun.. really happy to take my mind off EVERYTHING....haha...though there are still somet things floating through my mind but i guess if u're happy in most aspects heck the rest...look at everything positively and i've since learnt to ignore the uncertainties in life which make u just so tired of every single little thing.. they only drain u more.. coz the more u wanna find out something the more u dun wanna face it... and the more u think abt it with never an ans to find.. the more frustrated u get.. so i've decided to leave it in the hands of God.. and if it's yours it'll be yours no matter wat right??

haha someone said i'm very easily contented..heheh is it good or bad?? that i'll think thru and prob add my 2 cents worth when i have some conclusion for the future..

Sydney TRIP!!

2006-04-03T23:57:00.000+10:00

haha...this weekend is hell of a weekend... so many interesting things have happened.. Bet rumours started...but who cares...hahaa as long as MY CONSCIENCE is CRYSTAL CLEAR abt everything i seriously dun care..hahaha... you wanna start... we can play the game!!! u think i'm crazee?? yeah maybe... but rumours are rumours... sometimes rumours help u see things clearer.. so isn't that better afterall?? but ths game is getting fun heh?? hahaha...yeah i'm going crazee...just a really crazee week...so tired...hahah so many things have been happening...but it was hell of a GOOD week..enjoyed myself heaps..looking forward to another week of great fun down in sydney!!!

mom's leaving soon... she's been here for nearly 2 mths by now..hm...mixed thoughts.... freedom i guess?? but no more nice home cooked food and someone to help u do the housework...now i have to do it all by myself again!! haha..but good thing i'll be going on a holiday soon...prob to melbourne...and down south of NSW...hehe plus definitely alot of time spent in Sydney....haha i think sydney is becoming my 2nd home!!! muahhahaaa..... some of my friends are saying that i shud really change my address to sydney..muahahahah... maybe i shud really do so..every single weekend in sydney!!! hahahah now even the whole week!!! sighzzzzz but i noe i'll be having heaps of fun..and looking forward to that man!!!

I Wished...

2006-04-03T08:04:00.000+10:00

sighz...I guess in life there's alot of things u wished never happened.. sometiems u wanna take back wat u did or done but it is way too late...it's too late... but then again why cry over spilt milk?? sometimes u even wonder why u did wat u did... Something obviously has happened...maybe things havent changed...maybe it did..maybe i'm just being oversensitive.. wateva it is... i dunnoe wat i'm doing..i just wished i could turn back the clock..turn it back to something that never happened... Maybe it's just me.. that's why... I don't blame anyone except myself... if u noe me...u may think this is referring to something pretty oblivious to all..but then u're wrong..not many pple or maybe onli the person involved may noe...maybe he wont even noe...sighzzz.... i seriously dunnoe which is better..to keep it away... to hide and put a mask and pretence..or simply to tell the truth and face the consequences.... oh well avoidance - is that a solution??? I dunnoe either.... i'm just so tired of living in this shell of pretence and under this facade of my expectations... but when i think i can finally remove this shell to be who i really am...things seem to be changing all over again...

Should you not ever care then?? and act as if nothing has happened?? even a white lie is a lie.. no matter wat the truth will reveal in itself one day.. As much as you dun wanna an answer... avoidance is never a solution... but i guess if it makes someone happy that could be an option for time will eventually tell....

hopefully time will tell and will heal all matters eventually... or hopefully i'm just too sensitive....

Scandalous.....

2006-04-02T22:49:00.000+10:00

oooohhhhhh....this weekend was FUN FUN FUN!!!! pple thot i'll be sad..but actually i've been really happy happy happy!!!! hahahhaa...so many things have happened.... i'm really impressed..things happened so quickly..... hahaha... hm..... rumours spread fast...but are rumours really true?? muahhahahaha...maybe adding more would be even more fun?? where's the sarcasm in the air??!?!?!

hm....actually i'm not happy as wat pple may think i'm happy for...i'm actually happy that i've got things off my chest..that things are easier to go now... i can leave things behind...and settle for something else..less stress less worries and less loads and burdens..how nice...;) pple may think it's not true...but do i care?? hahahahah...now i dun even bother...as long as i'm happy...

...the burden is off...and so are u!!!!! muahahahhahaha

An Unusual Entry...

2006-03-31T14:31:00.000+11:00

hahaha... I've finally found MY LIFE!!! a website full and full of drama serials..endless..no sharing needed...how shiok!!!! haha..you may think it's sad..but nvm..it's my life..my TVB Serials..but it's sucky that I can't download it in school... so my nice friends out there... U get the hint?? muahhahahaa.. now i can start sitting and watching in my room...but sighzzz...first off i need to finish my report...well getting there...about half way through..haha though it's really cray but at least I tried...hahhahaa...afterall i still have 2 more weeks...so it's all good...hehehe...found my motivation....

am so happy!!!! hahaha

~forget abt the misery and focus on the present or the future~

The Moral of the Story - "Do Not Assume"

2006-03-30T16:20:00.000+11:00

hahaha...It's really funny how many people start telling me they dun understand my blog.. Yeah I guess not many people would fully understand my blog unless u're really really really close to me. For one, my blog does not reflect one thing. It jumps from issue to issue and after many days it may come back to the first topic.. So, it prob isn't what you're thinking... Honest... Even some of my really close friends are telling me stuff and after many days I've realised that it's totally off the topic and not even close to what i've been writing abt. So if u're not sure... the best is do not 2nd guess...hehehehe

Well... honestly, my blog is not for me to tell ppl my life story...coz i dun intend to...hehe... it's my grounds for me to express my inner feelings in a 3rd party way... it doesnt hint at anyone...nor at anything... it's my views and my thoughts about issues that may or may not concern me at all.. certain burning feelings that I may wanna write about to pacify or simply instil a calming effect in my life..sometimes or more than often it's an issue that sparks my thoughts and feelings about stuff... and hence the hand follows the heart or the mind to write... Sometimes it does not even involve me... they could simply be stories I hear where I immerse myself to be part of the story to write a reflection...

So moral of the story is...DO NOT ASSUME you know everything....hehehe.. Am I Mean??? hahahahaha

If you really wanna know... then ask me... but it doesnt mean I'll tell you.... hahahhaahah

A Lesson Learnt

2006-03-30T16:02:00.000+11:00

Sometimes u really wonder what kinda game people are playing?? They play a game which they don't even think before they act... How lame??!?!?! Is it pure ignorance of people or is it just simply their immaturity? Sometimes you really wonder... Although i'm just observing the game being played, the consequences and actions that can be taken can indeed be very harsh and severe... Are they prepared to face it?? I really wonder.. But from here I seriously learnt a lesson which I have always been nagged to do, that is to think b4 you speak!! Now i know the seriousness of such an action...

I thank the person for nagging at me all this time, though he probably will never read my blog, but still.. every little thing is a lesson learnt and I've indeed learnt this lesson. To think of the consequences and be responsible for your actions... Thank gdness it is not through the hard way but the ez way out cause I did not have to face the consequences... Hence, I must say that this lesson is indeed valuable....

Thank You My Friends!!!

2006-03-29T23:30:00.000+11:00

Everytime I think that things go well.. and that I'm happy, SOMEONE really has to take it away from me.... Oh well...is that life?? but anyway.... I'm glad for the friends that I have...the friends that are always by my side and the friends that have gone through thick and thin with me... I really appreciate their concern and i greatly treasure these friendships that grew through the many incidents we went through together.

Each time I'm with you guys, I just feel so much lighter and happier as if a burden is taken away from me... Sounds very dramatic and cliched rite?? But oh well... these are wat i'm really feeling. To me, happiness and all kinds of relationship are priceless but sadly these are probably the most impt things of my life. Something which I would hold on very strongly to and treasure. and isn't it so ironical that the little things in life which are probably the most valuable can never be bought... and usually these are the smallest things which we often take for granted... :)

Whatever it is, thank you my dearest friends who have walked this road with me.... and my dearest blessings to you!!! :)

Where Should I Go?!?!

2006-03-28T18:01:00.000+11:00

hahahah...since so many pple have been complaining that my blog is really sad...haha i'm putting an effort to lighten the mood...bleaghz ;)

Oh well... it's not all that bad la.. just that I usually use blogs to get rid of the frustrations within me.. But I guess it's starting to seem like the whole world is falling apart.. Neh, life isnt that bad... they're definitely good things going around me.. hehe... Well... I like this HES term...it's really relaxing..for once i can do something i really like in school.. Maybe pple are thinking it's a bludge...to a certain extent, i believe so.. but actually it's pretty full on too... placements are tiring my friends..hahahah but the minute u see the smiles on the faces of the children, everything is forgotten... You start becoming immersed in the world of theirs.. and u're happy too...

And now i'm looking forward to taking a short break.. havent decided where i really wanna go..but hopefully I'll decide really soon.. I've got a long 3 week break... a break away from everything..how good is that?? a time to relax and put everything aside.. Hm..... soon i can go and find my friends...and do my favourite past time - SHOPPING!!!! hahaha..... time to start exploring all the factory outlets...heheheheehe

and i must say i've been really happy these few days....doesnt sound very convincing does it?? hahaha.. I guess so... but well having just come back from a shopping spree and looking forward to another next week does the trick...back to Sydney soon!!! soon i'll also get my freedom...hahah been caged for coming to 2 mths!!!! muhahahhahhaha

Ten Philosophies of Life

2006-03-28T17:50:00.000+11:00

Read this somewhere...and I think it is so true....hehehehe

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YOU WILL RECEIVE A BODY

You may like it, you may hate it but it's your's to keep to the end, so look after it.

YOU WILL LEARN LESSONS

You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, 'LIFE'.

THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, ONLY LESSONS

Life is a continual process of time and error. The experiments that fail are as much a part of the process as the ones that work.

LESSONS ARE REPEATED UNTIL THEY ARE LEARNT

A lesson will be presented to you in a variety of forms until you have learnt it. When you have learnt it, you can go on to the next lesson.

YOUR LEARNING CURVE IS INFINITE

There's no part of this life that does not contain lessons. If you're alive, then there are lessons you still have to learn.

THE GREENEST GRASS IS UNDER YOUR FEET

When you're 'there', there becomes 'here'. You will simply find another 'there' that will look better than your 'here'.

OTHER PEOPLE ARE MERELY MIRRORS OF YOU

You cannot love something about another person unless it reflects something you love about yourself. Similarly, if you dislike something about another person, it reflects something about who you are.

WHAT YOU MAKE OF LIFE IS MERELY UP TO YOU

You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

YOUR ANSWERS LIE WITHIN YOU

The answers to Life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.

YOU WILL FORGET ALL THIS